Just For Today

A New Road To Travel

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:20:00 +0000

For the first time in I can't remember how long, I finally feel like I am exactly where God wants me to be. He's made it so obvious how this was all orchestrated and I feel blessed. I know the work ahead is hard, but the reward is eternity with my King and a little boy who will respect his Mom.

For those of you who don't know, I am living in a Women's Center in Capitol Hill. It's a lovely place, started many years ago by a group of nuns. The facility in beautiful, but what captivates me more is the stories I hear everyday of women, much like me, transformed. I am at the beginning of my journey, and a bit scared, but as I've said before He is the potter and I am the clay. I am eager to see what sort of masterpiece God creates out of me. For the first time in I don't know how many years, I don't feel vacant. I sense the power of the Holy Spirit in me and he is working. So many of you have prayed and those prayers did not fall on deaf ears. I am surround by women of diversity, but a handful who love the Lord. My eyes have been opened the past few weeks as to what the real issues are and I believe that God brought me to this place to begin working on those issues. It's good to have arrived, but scary to see what lies ahead. This one thing I do know: I walk in faith with my Savior. I walk in confidence with my King. And I walk with my head up with my Redeemer.

There are a handful to have faithfully prayed and I just want to thank you: Grams, Mom, Cheri, Randy, Jean, Terry, Gena, Maelisa, Cindy, Tosha, and a certain 8 year old boy. Amen that God is working! God is faithful. To the road ahead...

A Tapestry

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 08:49:00 +0000

Writing is wonderfully cathartic for me, so as you read this, you must understand that at this very moment what I am typing seeps from the deepest part of my heart - the very fabric of a tender spot within my soul.

Recently, as I posted earlier in the blog, I felt God calling me to give my daughter Madilynn a precious gift. That gift required sacrifice on my part, but it was so evident that the result now and in the long run is the absolute best for her. The Lord laid on my heart that her stepmom should be able to adopt her. Frankly, to call this woman "stepmom" isn't fair, when the reality is that she has been Madilynn's Mom much more than I have. Introducing and explaining why I haven't been there would take the next decade to explain, so just take my word for it. Anyway, I emailed "C" today and briefly shared my thoughts. My inclination was that she would of course agree, but that the final workings of all this would be played out in the months to come. You can imagine my dismay when after a short time, minutes in fact, I saw a response to my email. C told me that she filed a petition and it was granted in June 2009 (I was unaware of this petition). Honestly, I just sat and cried. I wept for the moments I've missed out on, for the goodnight kisses hoarded in my imagination, for the unfamiliar feel of her hand curled in mine. Those same tears flowed with joy, as I thought of such a deserving Mom who took my stead and the little girl who has not gone without love in her life because of it. I wept out of grief, I wept out of jealousy, I wept with relief.

Lately, it has been difficult to show any level of vulnerability - to let people see the real me. Running away in various forms has become a pastime of mine. I keep thinking about a quote by C.S. Lewis that basically says that God whispers to us in our joys, yet He shouts in our pain. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. Faithfully, His shouting has been relentless of late and it has broken through the slumber of depression. The process by which I must sort through the tattered shreds of my life feels daunting. Yet, I am reminded that it is God who weaves the fabric of the tapestry together. From my perspective underneath this tapestry, I see only threads, remnants of loosely sewn experiences, the bits and pieces that make up my life. Ever the Master, He sees the tapestry on the proper side. Is it a gilded work of art that displays forgiveness, grace, redemption, willingness and humility? Does He guide the needle gently to intertwine His Spirit through my heart and mind? Will the sum of His efforts someday manifest a creation worthy to be displayed to others, or more importantly, collected in a gallery that reflects His handiwork? It matters not where this galleria is. What matters is that I offer myself to Him, a continuous supply of threads that can be woven and spun.

The cord of motherhood is a part of His design for me. I am sad in some ways that the ribbons I chose have been set aside and replaced with the light of someone else. Yet I hope, that the thread I call Madilynn, will somehow be crafted back into my life as this tapestry is made. I once saw a tapestry of the face of Jesus. There was the slightest sight of a glorious gold ribbon. Without it, His eyes would not have glimmered, attention to His hands would remain unnoticed. This delicate yet sparing gold thread made the tapestry what it was. Perhaps Madilynn is my gold thread.

For the work you are creating, I give thanks that you weave with perfection. May the tapestry of my daughter be the most splendid display of your artistry.

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 20:26:00 +0000

I keep thinking about this quote I heard the other day. "God does not call the equipped. He equips the called." Admittedly, I feel ill-equipped right now. While I realize that perhaps that furthers my reliance on the Lord, I also recognize that my feelings of inadequacy paralyze me. I've certainly been in worse places, feeling the tattered ends of the rope while clinging on to it with what little strength I had left. I am not at the end of my rope right now, but I could say with certainty that I've been hit with the apathetic stick.

Lord, it's hard for me to express just how I feel right now, but I trust that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me. I am in need of some specific provisions and my looming doubt is trying to convince my heart that you will not come through. Somehow please connect my head, my heart and my soul to your presence. I do long to seek you, to know you more and be crafted how you see fit. I can't even begin to imagine what that portrait would look like, but trust that indeed you are the artist. As the song says "You are the potter, I am the clay. You are the artist and I am the paint. You are the writer and I am your song - I will be your instrument my whole life long. Mold me, change me, color me in shades of you. Play me, sing through me a melody, so when they look at me they will only see who you are. You are my Father and I am your child. An empty vessel, and you are the fire. All that you are Lord is all I desire - Master, Creator...take my life. Make me your work of art." (Shannon Wexelberg - Work Of Art).

To be clearer shades of you is what I ask for.

God's Curriculum

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 23:57:00 +0000

Recently, I read a prayer from Elisabeth Elliot. I was enamored with it, so I made it my own. "Lord, teach me to treat all that comes my way with the sensibility that you have ordained it. May such lessons spur peace of soul and with firm conviction, may I trust that your will governs all." My Lord, in His infinite humor and steadfast heart of teaching, decided it was time to put that prayer into practice.

To begin with, is that peace of soul something that has hallmarked my life? Honestly, no. I am most certainly one of those people who much prefers to be in the driver's seat. Generally, it's when life turns chaotic or painful that I seek God. This, of course, is not how He intended it to be. But, I am flawed and to say that I run to God amidst all things would be far from the truth. I have, however, lived in said peace long enough to know that it indeed can only come from God, who gives "not as the world gives."

A few months ago, the Lord laid a decision on my heart concerning my daughter Madilynn. Initially, I resisted his prodding to belay the claim I had on her. What claim you might ask? Well, without sucking you into the saga, I have not been the mother she deserves, nor have I been responsible or involved at a level that would warrant typical motherly claims. The Lord has provided immensely for her, giving her a Daddy who adores her and a step mom who has carefully reared this precious blessing in my absence. Could it be God's will that I should step back and give Madilynn, and her step mom, a much deserved gift? That gift would allow Madilynn to be adopted by her step mom. My conclusion is yes. But, arriving there led me down a path in which I had to own my shortcomings, and realize that to make up for them in a worldly sense, would take more than a lifetime. I do believe that His will governs all. In a wrong-filled world, we suffer...and we cause many wrongs. God is here to comfort, to heal, and to forgive. He can bring blessings in abundance out of our sin (which is to say we should enter into sinful behavior hoping blessings might surface down the road). I have been fortunate to encounter this again and again in my life.

I've thought a great deal about the love I have for Madilynn, the love I have for my Lord, yet the disdain I have held for myself over this situation. I wronged her, perhaps in ways she cannot yet understand. I am afraid that someday she will understand, yet I must cling to God's grace to face that day when and if it comes, believing that His will truly does govern all things. Dwelling on this love, I've been assured that love, as God designed it, is very patient, it is very kind. Love never seeks its own. Love looks to God for his grace to help.

Amidst this lesson, I've learned that in this heavenly curriculum, I have wanted to pick and choose the lessons as I see fit. I wish to assemble the curriculum according to my own preferences and areas of need that I perceive. The idea of what I actually need to learn are limited and even more distorted. What I seek from God, is help. Help me relinquish control. Help me love as you would see fit. Govern all of me. Mercifully, God does not leave me to choose my own curriculum. His wisdom is perfect, His knowledge embraces not only all worlds but the individual hearts and mind of each of His loved children. I must trust and believe that He will govern the lessons of my daughter as well. What I do know, is that there are lessons in this curriculum that I wish I could skip. But, I press on, seeking to do His will and apply His truth to my life. Today, I can stand and say what the psalmist said: "I, thy servant, will study your statutes. Your instruction is my continual delight, to it I turn for counsel. I will run the course set out in your commandments, for they bring joy to my heart." Psalm 119:23, 24, 32.

Today, with joy, I drink deeply from the fountain of salvation (Isaiah 12:3) and I dive into the well of instruction God deems for this lesson. With a heart of love, I know that giving Madilynn back to the arms of the Father and allowing Him to govern her life is a gift that cannot be put in a nice box with a bow. It can however, be delivered through the bending of my knees, the pushing aside of my own wants, and the ever fervent desire to do what is best for who I consider to be one of my greatest blessings.

Lord, I give you thanks for your mercy and bringing forth the sweet peace of being in your will.

Keeping A Quiet Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 09:18:00 +0000

Elisabeth Elliot is one of my favorite authors. She writes in a way that is raw, exposes truth, all while being touchingly compassionate given all that she has faced in life. She has a book entitled Keep A Quiet Heart, which I highly suggest you have in your library. "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure." (Psalm 16:5). I often think about that night the disciples were out on the Sea of Galilee and the storm was raging. They were petrified, convinced they would end up on the bottom of the sea. Yet, our Lord was fast asleep, seemingly unaware of the tumultuous storm raging around them. The disciples were angry and shook Him awake with rebuke. How could he sleep through such an event? His heart was quiet as he rested in the calm assurance of the Father. I don't think any of us possess a heart so perfectly at rest, for most don't live in divine unity, however, we can learn more and more each day regarding what Jesus knew. Kierkegaard said that purity of heart is to will one thing. Christ willed only one thing: the will of His Father. Believing that God has assigned me my portion and my cup, knowing my lot is secure in His hands, is there is no greater simplifier of life? Can we say there are things that happen which do not belong to our lovingly assigned portion (this belongs, that does not)? Are some things then, out of the control of the Almighty? I believe every assignment is measured for my eternal good. As I accept certain portions, others are cancelled out (don't mistake what I'm saying to mean that we do not have the ability to exercise free will), and as I accept my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. My assignment entails my willing acceptance of my portion, whether I like it or not. Our response is what matters, and quietness creeps in when we wholly believe that our portion is in the hands of the Father. God promises that He will comforts us, just as a mother comforts her child (Isaiah 66:13). The choice is ours. I can willingly see God, receive from His hand that which He offers with gratitude. Shall I charge him with a mistake in His measurement or with misjudging the sphere in which I can best learn to trust Him? Has He indeed misplaced me? Is He ignorant of things or people that might hinder my doing His will? No. God doesn't love me because of me, He loves me because He is God.

The secret to accepting my portion and my cup is Christ in me, not a different set of circumstances. "He whose heart is kind beyond all measure, gives unto each day what He deems best, lovingly its part of pain and pleasure, mingling toil with peace and rest" Lina Sandell

Lord, today I'll do my best to accept what is given to me, knowing that your measurement is for my best. I will keep a quiet heart in the assurance that you, my God, offer me all that I need to live day by day. In the moments that the torment and confusion seem to overwhelm me, grant me the peace that Jesus felt that night on the boat. You are indeed, my blessed assurance.

Merciful Refusals

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:55:00 +0000

Many of us face serious dilemmas and choices in life. In fact, not a single person I know has ever escaped this. I know that I've often prayed for God to somehow remove the struggle, erase the dilemma, and allow me to move on. Usually the answer is "No, not right away." Face it, I must. Furthermore, such situations beckon me to my knees and it is generally there that I learn to wait on the Lord. Notice I didn't say patiently wait. Sometimes patience is in my possession, other times it's as absent as a high school senior the Monday after prom.

St. Augustine said, "The very pleasures of human life men acquire by difficulties." There are times with the entire arrangement of our existence is disrupted and we long for a single quiet and ordinary day. My perception has often been that an ordinary life is greatly desirable, even wonderful, in light of the terrible things that have taken place. I am reminded that difficulties open our eyes to pleasures and gifts clearly taken for granted. The apostle Paul said that he had been "very thoroughly initiated into the human lot with all its ups and downs" (Philippians 4:12, NEB). He was hard-pressed, bewildered, persecuted and struck down. God, in His mercy, didn't remove Paul's hardships. Some of God's greatest mercies are His refusals, are they not? Instead, God made himself known to Paul because of his trials, in such ways as to strengthen his faith and make him an instrument of peace to the rest of us. Hard-pressed Paul was, but not hemmed in - God promises we will never be tempted beyond our power to endure (I can't tell you how many times I've doubted this). Bewildered Paul was, but never at wit's end - God promises wisdom to those who ask for it. Persecuted Paul was, but never left to stand it alone. God promises His unfailing presence, all the days of our lives. Struck down Paul was, but not left to die, although some of Paul's rescues were ignominious in the extreme (think of Paul being let down over a wall in a basket to land on a chunk of plywood). Certainly not the means Paul likely envisioned that the Lord would use to fulfill His promises. But on second thought, why not? Absurdity sometimes does us good. It reminds of God's power and most definitely, His creativity. Yes, life can be absurd - on the surface - but every bit of it is planned, just as Paul tells us. "It is for your sake that all things are ordered, so that, as the abounding grace of God is shared by more and more, the greater may be the chorus of thanksgiving that ascends to the glory of God" (II Corinthians 4:15 NEB). Do I sing a chorus of thanksgiving for God's merciful refusals? Does my song reflect the gratitude of a sinner saved by grace? I ought to think twice about asking the Lord to remove the thorn in my side and instead, seek to find joy in the absurdity of it all. God always answers our prayers. Sometimes, one merciful refusal at a time.

Selah

My Manifesto

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 05:42:00 +0000

I was catching up on a friend's blog tonight and came across a post about a Survivor's Manifesto. I read it and then tried to go on about my merry little way. I had to stop what I was doing and come to terms with what I'm experiencing right now. Anger. I'm so angry about so many things. For me, anger is very scary and for the majority of my life, it was never okay to be angry. You see, in our house, it meant that things could turn upside down in the blink of an eye and turmoil in one form or another, always ensued. Often, I use anger now as a buffer, somehow thinking that it will keep people at arms length. In fact, it does, but that's not a good thing. I realized that recently, I've been shutting people out, keeping myself in and stewing. There have been various circumstances as of late that have sent me into a tail spin. Some of those situations warranted anger, many did not. Frankly, I've wanted to scream at other people and say "Why don't you understand me? Is it that hard to identify with what I'm trying to communicate?" Not the best line of defense and generally, no, they don't get what I'm trying to express primarily because my method is, well, just lame. Here are some of the items on that manifesto, adjusted to what I want to say.
1.) Don't judge where I am. You may not know where or how complicated my journey has been.
Even if you've been a part of that journey, don't assume that you know the depths of the impact it has had on me.
2.) Respect the courage it took to survive.
3.) Don't act like my emotions and feelings are flawed.
4.) Don't give glib answers or ideas. I know deep down what I need to do next. Sometimes it takes me time to do the next right thing. Generally, I come around. Let the process run it's course.
5.) Set boundaries with me. Understand that sometimes I don't know what my own boundaries ought to be. Be patient with me and trust that I'll keep striving to learn.
6.) What matters, is not what you intend, but how it feels to me. I'll keep that at the forefront of my mind when I'm with you too.
7.) Just because you don't "get it" doesn't mean I'm wrong.
8.) I'm always questioning my assumptions and working to change/improve my life. With that in mind, please don't act condescending or superior. To patronize me is hurtful adn the most sure fire way to ruin our relationship permanently.
9.) Just because you don't want to believe it could happen to nice people, or in families like yours, in no way does that mean I will stop telling the truth...ever.
10.) I am the expert on who I am and what I need. You may not believe that, or agree with my choices. I might even contradict what you think you know, but there is no way you can have as complete access to who I am and what I've experienced, as I do. The only one with that access is God. Let Him do His job.
11.) Trust that I am doing the best I know how.
12.) What may seem like massive character defects to you may actually be the foundations of strength. Trust that God is working in me.
13.) When I get angry, that usually means that I'm really hurting inside. Instead of continuing to argue with me, ask me what's really bothering me. Be prepared that I will tell you the truth. And by the way, I'm working on presenting my truth in other ways instead of being mad.
14.) I'm much more reflective than you may realize. I'll take a conversation and think about it for weeks afterward. If we get involved in any sort of dealing that includes a great deal of emotion, know that I need space and time to process it all.
15.) I'm very literal. I don't speak cryptically or try to be an enigma. If I say it, I mean it. Take me at my word.
16.) My love language is spending time together. For me to know you care, make time for me. I promise that I'll learn your love language too.
17.) Try not to blindside me. I freak out when that happens. If it's unavoidable, try to understand that a freak out is on the horizon. I'll recover.
18.) If you want to help, believe in me.
19.) If you want to help, pray for me.
20.) If you want to help some more, hug me.

Lord, overflow my heart with your goodness, your joy, and your peace. Let your love reign in me.

p.s. The photo is the japanese symbol for manifesto. Google rocks!

My Life Is In Your Hands

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 23:00:00 +0000

"My Life Is In Your Hands" Click on the link below before you read this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mUZI8qIkwE&feature=related

You don't have to worry, and you don't have to be afraid. Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don't last always. For there's a friend in Jesus, who will wipe your tears away. And if your heart is broken, just lift your hands and say:

Oh, I know that I can make it! I know that I can stand. No matter what may come my way, my life is in your hands. With Jesus I can take it, with Him I know that I can stand. No matter what may come my way, my life is in your hands.

So, when your tests and trials they seem to get you down. And all your friends and loved ones are no where to be found. Remember there's a friend in Jesus, who will wipe your tears away. And if your heart is broken, just lift your hands and say:

I so often forget whose embrace I remain in. My hope is in Jesus, my strength in the power of His name. Today, I can stand with my head held high - looking to the heavens, because I know who I am in Christ. Today, I am free - liberated by the grace of God. Today, I am renewed in the love of my Savior, who died so that I could live.

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 07:07:00 +0000

The Norman's

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 07:06:00 +0000

Get your own Family Sticker Maker & MySpace Layouts.

Further Still

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 08:02:00 +0000

My goodness, I haven't posted in forever! So much has gone on the past few months, I hardly know where to begin. The learning never ends.

Today, Ash Wednesday, marks the beginning of the Lenten Season. I began to pray several days ago about what the Lord would have me do, or focus on. I believe the purpose of lent is for us as believers to identify more closely with Christ. It is a time for repentance, a deeper renewing of our minds in obedience to Jesus. Often, people give something up for lent, be it candy, coffee, alcohol, or other such things. I do think abstaining is a good thing, but beyond that, I feel that God calls us to action during this season. I asked "Lord, what can I do? How can I grow and where do I need to be more obedient to you?" In the depths of my heart, I knew what He wanted. I resisted at first, knowing that the call was to work through bitterness and anger toward a member of my family. My hope is that my obedience in this area is not for a season, but sets up behavior patterns that will remain the rest of my days.

My anger is deep and has invaded much of my heart. Being angry is so much easier than being hurt. That's really what this boils down to. This person has hurt me deeply. The rift it has caused in our family is big. I am not being included in family get togethers at her behest. Honestly, I just don't understand that part of it. I have my part to play in this, mind you. I know I'm not without fault. I tried around Thanksgiving, to repair this relationship and hit a dead end. What I know to be true, is that forgiveness sets me free. She is responsible for her own actions and I am responsible for mine. No longer do I wish to be enslaved to the yoke of bitterness. Candidly, I feel terribly disappointed in her. For much of my life, I looked up to this woman. She was godly in my eyes; a woman of faith, professing to be a follower of Christ. It is not my place to judge anyone's salvation, so I will not do so. However, I have received the grace and salvation of Christ. He has forgiven me of my sins. He didn't qualify that forgiveness, nor did He say that it only covered a portion of my wrong doings. His blood justified and sanctifies me continually, over all multitudes of sin. Why then, do we as humans, as believers, as women after God's heart, do this to one another? Why am I not good enough to be included in my own family? How is that she cannot move forward? Frankly, my sin (at least in my eyes) has not impacted her directly. I understand the disappointment she has in me. For heaven's sake, I have my own sense of disappointment in choices I've made. Every morning I look in the mirror, I stare the devil's bondage in the face. The moment my eyes open after I've blinked, I see the face of Jesus staring back at me, reminding my fragile heart that I never need go back to the place I came from.

During this season of Lent, I will daily seek the Lord. I will proactively work to let go of my anger, my frustration and in turn, ask for His deliverance. I don't know what this journey will look like. In many ways, I am excited by that. I love the surprises of our Lord, when He works in ways we did or could not imagine. The ashes on my forehead remind me that I will return to the dust from whence I came. In the meantime, all is not lost as I work to draw closer to the Lord. Repentance brings us peace. That peace goes hand in hand with the liberty of my soul. I pray that at the end of this 40 days, that my hope and life will be resurrected with Christ Jesus on Easter Sunday.

Rejoice and celebrate the journey with me. Above all, ask the Lord what you can do during the season of Lent to go further still with Him. He will not tarry to give you His word, His answer, His peace, and His everlasting love.

His Gaze

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 02:16:00 +0000

I wish I had the energy to write prolifically tonight about all that is swirling in my head. Not going to happen. All I can say is that God is teaching me a lesson I am just so reluctant to permeate all of me. Do you ever have days where it's everything you can do just to cope? I am trying to discern God's will but recognize I'm so over thinking things. The voice of reason was my brother this afternoon, reminding that sometimes the journey isn't right or wrong, it's right or left. Often, I see things as black and white with no middle. What I am facing currently is definitely a circumstance of gray. God is asking me to give up what I consider most precious in my life and rely completely and utterly on Him.

I keep thinking about Peter as he walked out on the water, in the midst of the storm. While his gaze was fixed on Christ, he was given the ability to walk on the water, but when he looked away, gravity took hold and he began to sink. That's my prayer today. God, help me be like Peter in the continued gaze into your eyes. May I find the peace I desperately long for, may I know the joy that comes only in knowing you, and the freedom in giving up that which I hold dear in order to gain everything you have for me. Just now, Jesus, you know the depths of my heart, the hurts that want to run rampant in my soul, but I beg of you to be the only One in my gaze. May all else fall away to glimpse at your loving and tender face, to feel the warmth of your embrace that is the eternal balm for my humanness. Upon you, sweetest One, do I fix mine eyes.

Gentleness

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:08:00 +0000

I often blog to share what I'm struggling with and what the Lord is teaching me. It has been my hope and prayer, with the growing number of people who follow this blog, that when you read it your head is nodding in relation. I laid in bed awake last night for awhile, thinking and praying. I have been keenly aware recently of how at peace I feel. What precipitated such peace? My surrender. As I looked back, I see that I resisted God and His leading, thus creating turmoil in my heart. My daily surrender has led me to let go of what I cannot control and seek God's wisdom in what I can. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am or the immense blessings that God has bestowed in my life.

I read Proverbs 15:1 this morning. Go read it. I will be seeing Kelly this morning. Without getting into massive details, he will be doing 18 months in community corrections. He is angry with me and in turn, his anger has spurred mine. Part of my lying awake last night centered around those circumstances. I woke up dreading having to talk to him. In my mind, I went through my rant and rave, plotting out what I might say. Well, after drudging downstairs, turning on the computer and staring at the daily scripture, God's voice was loud and clear. What my brother needs is gentility, not my anger. What purpose would it serve to lambaste him or take a position that might make him think I don't support him? It's hard for me to not act angry. Generally, my anger is a mask for deeper emotions. I often say "I'm not stubborn, I'm right." This really isn't time to be of that stance, is it?

God is faithful, is he not? His faithfulness continues in spite of our resistance. His love permeates in spite of our anger. His wisdom is available to all who seek it. Have a blessed day!

Love

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 20:39:00 +0000

I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving. I think apart from the idea that I am a sinner and God forgives me, this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. When you get it, it changes you. It changed me. God's love will never change us if we don't accept it.

It's taken me years to learn the lesson. Seasons of wandering off the path God intended for me, hating myself, and taking those around me into the vacuum of darkness. By all accounts and purposes, on the outside few would have known the inner turmoil raging in me. I was stamped and approved, singing my hymns on Sunday, spying the world around me and wondering if anyone else felt the same. The greatest lie I have ever had to contend with is that the universe revolves around me.

Was there a singular change that brought about my acceptance of God's grace and His unconditional love for me? I don't think so. I believe it was a series of moments great and small, starting as a teen working at a christian camp, through having my children and ultimately, hitting the bottom hard two years ago. The seed was planted at that camp as I watched others close to me see and know Christ. The seedling was grown as I marveled that my own children love me without thought or condition. I was changed forever when I awoke spiritually and emotionally after the ravage of addiction had taken hold of my soul. I heard the sound of chains breaking, the prison doors being demolished, and my heart made new with the ushering in of freedom. Beth Moore calls it breaking free. I broke free of the enemy's hold and ran into the arms of my Savior. I received His love and knew it was the truth of all truths. The voices that whispered to me in the dark were silenced when His love came in.

It's the simple things that change our lives.

The Rate of Inflation for Teeth

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 02:26:00 +0000

Big news in the Norman House! Garrett lost his first tooth tonight. It's been loose forever and he has been so patient in waiting for it to be ready to come out (last night I nearly gagged during snuggle time when he kept wiggling it back and forth...you know that gritty sound...and up with dinner). Here's the down-low on the teeth.

Garrett: "Mom, is my tooth loose enough?"

Mom: "Let me see."

Garrett: wiggle, wiggle, gritty-gross sound.

Mom: "I'm gonna hurl homeslice if you don't stop that sound."

Garrett: "You're a drama queen Mom."

Mom: "Do you even know what a drama queen is?"

Garrett: "Of course, I'm 7 you know."

Mom: "Yes, I know."

Garrett: "Hey Mom? Is the tooth fairy a boy or a girl?"

Mom: "I don't know. What do you think?"

Garrett: "I think it's a girl. Boys can't be fairies."

Stifled laughter. I can barely contain myself...boys can't be fairies.

Side note: conversation with Papa ensues and the question is raised "Papa, how much did the tooth fairy leave you when you were a kid?

Papa: "Uh. Well, I was born in 1944..."

Mom: "Oh, here we go."

Papa: "I think it left me .50 cents or a dollar maybe. But then again you have to take into account inflation."

More stifled laughter. If you're a Republican, it's closer to .50 cents. If you're a Democrat, swing wide. Does anyone have Alan Greenspan on speed-dial?

Garrett: "Papa, the tooth fairy sounds like a cheap-skate."

Mom and Nana are looking at each other and mouthing nonsense to figure out how much cash we have between us.

Garrett: "Mom, you need to leave the tooth fairy a note to tell her to leave more than what Papa got in 1944. By the way, how long ago was 1944?"

Mom: "Closer to when dinosaurs walked the earth I think."

Garrett (out-loud): "I didn't know you could be that old."

Snickering Mother can only utter "He remembers the discovery of oil."

Garrett: "Will the tooth fairy come when a kid is this excited?"

Mom: "YES! And the tooth fairy is so happy you lost your tooth (he's the last kid in his class by the way). Just imagine, she's out there flying around, just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can work her magic."

Garrett: "I hope her magic is more than a dollar."

My son, the future Economics major and his in-debt Mom trying to figure inflation, the cost of a first tooth, supply and demand. Nana and I agreed to two dollars, allowing us room for expansion at a later date.

Moonless Seas

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 23:16:00 +0000

One simple word seems to sum my existence right now - tired. I got pneumonia right after my glorious nose surgery (and no, for the many who have asked I did not get a nose job. In fact, I had a pretty perfect nose to say the least. I can't say if it will be the same ever again, just wiping it bring tears to my eyes), and it has made a comeback in the past few days. While it's not serious by any means, my body is simply worn out. I made it to about 8:30 last night and was in bed before CSI was on. Another reason I praise God for On Demand. The marvels of modern technology!

Anyway, my tired state in part is due to the emotional roller-coaster I've been living on. My Mom has put her house on the market and her immanent departure back to Seattle is on the compass. Admittedly, I am scared that indeed she will return to Washington. While my Mom and I have had our issues, she's my Mom and her leaving would put me in Colorado alone. I can barely go there - this is a big issue that also involves Garrett, so my heartstrings have been pulled and my hands are in the air. While a relatively familiar position, it remains uncomfortable. It seems that often I'd rather be carrying an arm full of stones, than wait on God. Like I mentioned the other day, waiting appears to be exactly where He desires for me to be. It feels like I've taken my hands off the steering wheel (which anyone knowing me would say that's a good thing) and I'm going mach-90 with my hair on fire. While it may be amusing for some to watch, to me I feel like I'm living on the brink, so to speak.

My brother is safe, praise God, but he is clearly not okay. I am sad about this, as over the past several years, it seems that I'm the only one able to reach parts of his heart. Even then, I have sensed there a large territory that only God can navigate. I feel helpless and wish more than I can describe, that I could shoulder the burden. By every account, my brother is my very best friend and understands parts of me that no other has been able to. I believe, well I know, this is mutual. Perhaps it's because we're siblings, raised in the same house under the same rules, or because our demons are not that different. All in all, I think it's the sum total of all things and that comprehension brings with it relation that few are in the company of. I'm relieved he is safe, but the torment of his emotions is obvious to me and to watch that ship get tossed about on the high seas is almost unbearable. Is this Christ giving me a watchful eye on what has been His portion over the years and His torment in watching me toss about? I remember years ago being taught a lesson about navigating on moonless seas (thank you Elisabeth Elliot and her incredible perception). Some days the compass works, we feel one with our creator and all is in harmony. Other days, the sea's are moonless, the way dark, and we feel alone. No matter the condition, God remains by our side and even in the darkness, we are never alone. Sometime, I think, He breaks our compass so we turn to face the wind, arms raised in the air, so that the Great Navigator can take hold of the wheel, right our direction and bring us out of the White Squall. Praise life in the dinghy.

Well, life beckons and the microwave just beeped for a gourmet meal. Until my compass turns, I remain watchful of the horizon and hopeful that not all is lost.

Why I Get Angry

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 23:23:00 +0000

Wow, life has been happening fast. I feel heavy-hearted tonight for a lot of reasons. My brother went back out this weekend and showed up today. I feel sad for him, and even a bit of anger, however, I know the darkness well that pulls him. Sometimes looking at him is like looking in a mirror. Got to love that.

I'm in the midst of the process of military acceptance. We have a few medical things to clear up. If those are accepted, then I'm in. Holy buckets. I think it's a really good thing on so many levels. It will be hard. I am frustrated by how long the process takes. I'd rather be done with it and know one way for certain. God is keeping me waiting really. Waiting on Him. I'm not very good with that. I wish I could say that patience was my strong suit. Yeah, not happening.

I read a really interesting part of the book I mentioned earlier Blue Like Jazz. "Why I get angry when I go to church. It doesn't do any good to bash churches, so I am not making blanket statements against the church as a whole. I have only been involved in a few churches, but I had the same tension with each of them; that's the only reason I bring it up. Here are the things I didn't like about churches I went to. First: I felt like people were trying to sell me Jesus. I was a salesman for a while, and we were taught that you are supposed to point out all the benefits of a product when you are selling it. That is how I felt about some of the preachers I heard speak. They were always pointing out the benefits of Christian faith. That rubbed me wrong. It's not that there aren't benefits, there are, but did they have to talk about spirituality like it's a vacuum cleaner? I never felt like Jesus was a product. I wanted Him to be a person. Not only that, but they were always pointing out how great the specific church was. The bulletin read like a brochure for Amway. There always saying how life-changing some conference was going to be. Life-changing? What does that mean? It sounded very suspicious. I wish they would just tell it to me straight rather than trying to sell me on everything. I felt like I was bombarded with commercials all week and then went to church on Sunday and got even more. And yet another thing about the churches I went to: They seemed to be parrots for the Republican Party. Do we have to tow the party line on every single issue? Are the Republicans that perfect? I felt like, in order to be part of the family, I had to think George W. Bush was Jesus. And I didn't. I didn't think that Jesus really agreed with a lot of the policies of the Republican Party or for that matter the Democratic Party. I felt like Jesus was a religious figure, not a political figure. I heard my pastor say once, when there were only a few of us standing around, that hated Bill Clinton. I can understand not liking Clinton's policies, but I want my spirituality to rid me of hate, not give me more reason for it. I couldn't deal with that. That is the main reason I walked away. I felt like, by going to this particular church, I was a pawn for the Republicans. Meanwhile, the Republicans did not give a crap about the causes of Christ....The truth is we are supposed to LOVE the hippies, the liberals, and even the democrats, and that God wants us to think of them as more important than ourselves. Anything short of this is not true to the teachings of the gospels." The author goes and and at the end of the chapter I sighed in relief. Not relief that the reading was over, but that another human being put into words my exact feelings. This author speaks to the truth and power of the gospels and how by-in-large we as Christians just don't get it. He challenged himself to do what the gospels say: feed the hungry, shelter those without homes and befriend on a sincere level, those that society finds less-lovable. How this simple practice changed his life. I have to admit, I want to do the same thing. The issue for me is that while I have passion for Christ (he likens passion to pouring gasoline in a tank for a car with no wheels...it's belief in action that makes changes), if I were totally honest everyday I act like I am the most important person in the universe. I live out my true beliefs. Whooooo. Praise God that He changes us and Praise God that I finally found the sense to ask for the right kinds of changes.

Anyway, that's my bit for today. I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I got pneumonia right after the nose surgery and think it has not entirely resolved. I am so exhausted and my chest feels like someone is crushing it. Comfy.
Blessings to all!

Faith is the first step...

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 16:25:00 +0000

"By His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the One who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence." II Peter 1:3

Everyday I receive an e-mail with the daily encouraging word from KLOVE. If you don't get it, I highly recommend you visit their website and sign up. It's made a huge difference in my life and has grown my hunger for God's word. This particular scripture really struck me. Honestly, I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself and when I read that God has already given me everything I need to live a godly life, I almost passed out. I kept thinking "How could you have given me everything I need for this? I feel lacking in so many areas. God, what am I missing?" I do believe that I'm one of those people who prays and God answers quickly and in such a way that I generally know it's Him. This is no exception. "Beloved, do you remember when you came to know me all those years ago? Do you recall the change in your heart - even now, I'm taking out the stony heart and replacing it with one of tenderness and passion for me. Do you have your own Damascus experience and have forgotten the power I demonstrated to bring you unto me?" No Lord, I haven't forgotten, I've just let it's power diminish and put you in the corner for awhile. My Damascus experience wasn't when I was a little girl. I came to know Christ at a very young age in my bathtub. It wasn't because of what I heard in Sunday school or what the cool kids were doing. Truly, God's voice spoke to me and I knew then that I was meant to be His. However, my Damascus experience has been over the past 18 months or so. Martin Luther King once said that faith is taking the first step, even when we can't see the entire staircase. I have to agree and say that I'm not sure I've ever seen the whole staircase, nor would God want me to as it would lessen my reliance on Him.

In Paul's conversion moments, I wonder if he thought that life would be okay down the road. He knew he had been changed, he knew he wanted to share that change with anyone he could. But in his heart, was there peace, was there a confidence in God's sovereignty and provisions for his life? Perhaps this is exactly why Paul spent time alone and in the quiet shortly after his conversion. God asked him to study His word and quiet himself. In that time, I believe all that Paul needed to live a godly life was given abundantly to him. Why should I be any different?

My sponsor called me last night and we finally had a chance to talk about the craziness that I call my life. She made a very simple yet profound statement that reached a dark place in my heart. "Lisa, you will be okay. God will take care of you." When I speak of that dark place, I think everyone has it. Some may live their lives with it never really awakened. For me, active addiction was the dark place lashing out. Many times I wanted to die, for the misery that was my life to simply end. Today, I am able to say that I wish to live - and for a purpose that entails a great deal. I actually believe I will be okay and that God is God. He will take care of me simply because of his marvelous glory and excellence. He loves me. I am His child, His beloved, the cry of His heart. My Damascus experience is teaching me that indeed God is my beloved, the passion of my life and the reason I open my eyes everyday. What is happening around and in me is truly for HIS glory. Yes, my character grows as a result of it, but really, it's to demonstrate the power of God. It amazes me that He chose me, He called me by name, He knows my every step.

Fairest God, my faith is small and my heart fragile, but I believe you have indeed given me all that is required to live a godly life. Just for today, empower me to live in such a manner as to please you and delight your heart. For in your delight is my delight. In your love, I have found the greatest love of my own.

Conflicted

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 17:08:00 +0000

To say I've been remiss in writing is a bit of an understatement. Yes, life has been happening (much to my dismay most days), mixed with a little drama and a whole lot of change. The result, blogging has been low on the priority list. In part, much of what has been happening in my head and heart has been too much to verbalize in any sort of manner that would not only make sense, but even be relateable to those of you who faithfully read this blog.

I was resentful for a period of time over some circumstances, but now am coming out the other side, able to own my part and deflect the crap of others for them to deal with on their own. Deflecting has been a big problem for me. Perhaps it's this crazy idea that not only do I have to be right, I have to make my truth heard by everyone within earshot. Without getting into major specifics (breaching the confidentiality of others), I found myself without a job and the place I was staying at turned out to be not entirely the best for all of us. For those of you who don't know, I did have to have surgery mid-September and my jackass doctor thought putting me on major meds was a good idea. My part - I didn't say no and "what have you been smoking that makes you think I should EVER take the particular medication that has led me down the path of self destruction?" Instead, I filled the prescription but did give it to someone else to dispense to me. I was accused of abusing them, which I did not, but recognize that my head was in total active addiction. Being a perfectionist on all fronts, I was devastated. What I realize in hindsight is that I was incredibly depressed prior to this and instead of seeing that and taking action, I did what is natural to me - I isolated and hid out wherever I could. The cost was huge. Last week I had to really feel my emotions, justified or not, and let them be what they were. It was hard and Kleenex made a lot of money off me! I feel so much more motivated today to change some BIG things in my life and even am starting to feel gratitude for the events of the past 8 weeks. Never thought that would come out of my mouth. And as an FYI, I'm not taking meds now. I came off of them and realize that I can never go down that path again, surgery or not.

God has been ever faithful, and a long-time friend is letting me crash at her place. She's one of those friends that you can not talk to for weeks at a time, yet when you get together you pick up right where you left off. She is also the least judgemental person I've ever known and she just takes me where I'm at. The other great thing about her is that she has boundaries and sticks to them. I don't feel enabled in anyway, and in fact have some discomfort (not related to my relationship to her, but really the circumstances I now find myself in), which I've decided for me is a fantastic motivator. Amazing how God works, and His workings are specific to each of us. Anyway, I feel blessed that she is so willing to help. I also feel blessed to have spent a few days just hanging out with a good friend. What I really love about our relationship is that I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, or the good christian, or whatever. I'm just Lisa and that's good enough. Yes, the spiritual parallel behind that is massive and I get it.

I'm looking at a really big decision for my life right now. I've toyed with an idea for several months, but the change would be crazy bordering on upside down, but the benefit is that it provides long-term stability, amongst other things. I can be a disciplined person and can be submissive, but it's been a long time since I've had to be that way. This choice would force me in a short period of time to be both. One of my concerns is that it would involve moving from place to place (if you haven't figured this out I'm thinking of joining the military) and that would uproot Garrett. How do I manage being a single parent with a child who has special needs and advance career-wise? I've talked with my Mom about it and she actually supports the idea. Initially, Garrett would remain with her until I was settled and knew what was coming. And she expressed that if I had to go overseas, of course she would take care of him. That's a relief. I think what scares me most is the initial part of joining the military...getting up at the crack of dawn, 3 minutes to shower, and really being in great physical shape. I'm a fairly athletic person, but honestly, I've sat on my butt for awhile now! I imagine I would need a few weeks before basic training to get my body back into the swing of the physical demands I know will be required. I feel a bit confused. The unemployment rate in Colorado is high and finding a job is difficult. In the short-term I could wait tables or work at Starbucks, and look for a "real" job in the meantime. But even in a few months, where does that put me? Renting a room from someone, not being able to provide for Garrett the way I think he should be provided for, yet still steps ahead of where I am now. Does this make any sense to anyone? If you're reading this and have thoughts, please give me feedback.

I'm really trying to be the woman I know God wants me to be. I've also realized that mistakes are a part of the process. If I live in them, I become paralyzed and change doesn't happen. When I see the part of Lisa that is exactly what God desires, I feel exhilarated, excited that His work is shining through me. I've gotten over if others see it or not. I was enslaved to that way of thinking for 30 years. It mattered beyond measure what others thought of me...do they like me, am I good enough, would someone love me just because? It feels like I've shed that unhealthy mindset and now am working on the self-acceptance piece and really don't give a rip of you like me or not. What matters is that God is pleased with my heart and actions and that I can love who I am (with all my character defects included). It's pretty liberating to say the least.

I could keep writing, but Garrett is home sick today and asking me for a snack. Motherhood beckons and snuggle time is around the corner. Can I just say that having my son tell me how much he loves me, that I'm the best Mom and his best friend is the best balm for my hurts? Sometimes I feel like his love is God tangibly showing me the spiritual love He has for me. Too cool.

Lisa Needs...

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 20:47:00 +0000

Okay, so my friend Heather (who is a regular blogger too) did this "needs" gig for a post not long ago. You go to the Google website, enter your name and then enter the word "needs" after it. You list the first 10 responses that come up. I nearly wet my pants from laughing so hard when I read mine. Here they are...

1. Lisa needs braces. I spent three years in those dang things. Yes three years, but that's because I skipped appointments all the time. Did I mention that I didn't wear my retainer after I got my braces off? My teeth shifted on the bottom and guess what, I need braces again! Who knew prophecy could appear on Google.
2. Lisa needs new concealer. Dude, I just bought new concealer and I'm allergic to it.
3. Lisa needs a new house. No sh** Sherlock. Although, one could derive a spiritual message from this. Not long ago I did need a new home and God provided a great one.
4. Lisa needs to be on "Big Brother." Right. I need that I like I need a hole in my head. I thought reality TV was a thing of the past. Apparently not.
5. Lisa needs to get a life. I can't respond to this.
6. Lisa needs new underwear. Did you know there is a lingerie designer named Lisa Norman?
7. Lisa needs to be useful, not popular. Can't I be both?
8. Lisa needs a personal chef. This directly relates to the 9th Lisa need...
9. Lisa needs to get back in skinny jeans. Need I say more?
10. Lisa needs to get drop kicked into this century. I'm a Norman, what can I say. My father still uses a wind-up clock because digital confuses him AND he still uses VHS. At least I am further along than that!

My personal favorite "need" is the skinny jeans. If I could just cease my addiction to ice-cream, chocolate, and Chick-Fil-A, I would be on my way.

Growing and growing

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:42:00 +0000

So, my return to choir wasn't well received by the choir-director. I can't even begin to tell you the emotion that's caused, along with some minor brain damage in thinking about it so much. Bottomline, God's will isn't black and white is it? Maybe it really is time to move on to a different church and begin anew. I think there is too much history there. Anyone in recovery knows and understands that our amend process involves protecting ourselves too. Totally there. I'm digging the self-preservation piece right now.

I'm not a perfect person and this past year I've certainly made my share of mistakes. I've really tried to own my stuff, seek forgiveness when I need to, offer and accept grace on a daily basis and just grow up. There is one relationship in my life particularly that has been unable to move forward. It's very disappointing and terribly hurtful for both of us. It didn't occur to me that perhaps the relationship could never recover. I feel (feel being the foundation of the following sentence) that no matter what I do, this person will always keep my past hanging over me. I've been accused of things that I didn't do and frankly, don't understand where this person's information is coming from. They sure as hell aren't talking to me, which just aggrivates the hell out of me. I've spent enough time being the bad guy. If that's all I'll ever be known as by this person, well then, move the f*ck on. Can you sense my anger? I'm tired of trying to be understood, I'm tired of hoping for this person's forgiveness and trust. By the way, I get that trust is earned. But it can never be restored if there is no opportunity given by the other party to restore it. What is so ambigious to me right now is where do you draw the line? When is enough, enough? This is one of those moments that I wish God used neon signs in my life. I'd really like to see one that flashes brightly and directs me one way or the other! I know Lord, a lot to ask.

I'm starting a Beth Moore bible study this next week and eager to see what God has in store. The past month has been pretty amazing overall. I continually step back and stand in awe at what God has been doing for me. What I love so much, or really have come to appreciate, is that His work hasn't been easy. I finally got off my butt and started living. It's been scary. My good friend (who happens to be my boss) has had to endure me crying a lot! God's blessings are abundant are they not? You know what I would really love? Many of my reader's e-mail me and have positive things to say. They encourage me regularly and pray continually. I would love for you guys to respond to this post via a comment or e-mail me, and share what God is doing in your life. How is He working, how is He showing himself? I think it would be a huge encouragement for us all.

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."
~ Ezekiel 36:26, NLT

Blue Like Jazz

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 18:21:00 +0000

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that, I liked jazz. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way..." Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz

A friend lent me the above book and this is the preface quote from the author. Obviously, it struck a note. I've said before that I've been a christian most of my life but feel as though the journey of faith began 18 months ago. I went to church this weekend. For those who don't know, I have been praying about finding a new church. The wake left behind as a result of my addiction ravaged many relationships within my church family. The pain on all sides has been tremendous. I wanted to leave, start over and begin anew. Deep in my heart, God was saying that leaving, while easy and convenient, was the cowardly thing to do. I told the Lord recently that I would be willing to do whatever He asked - willing to obey even if I didn't want to. I was put to the test. Everyday my devotions have spoken specifically to the issue of redemption, forgiveness, and the commitment to relationships within my life. I knew what God was asking me to do: stay Lisa, stay.

Last year I intended to return to choir. I thought I was ready and sat down with a number of friends explaining my journey of addiction, God's working and my desire to mend those relationships. In retrospect, I wasn't ready. While my apology was sincere, as was my desire to return to the flock, I had a great deal of growing to do. As is usual for me, I took on too much, too fast. Over this past year, the Lord has taught me about sustaining relationships that mean something. I have to be honest, to return to choir meant facing my fear. It meant facing the hurts of others and I wanted to run away. Yesterday morning, I stood in the choir loft amongst my family, worshiped Jesus and have never felt so right about something. It's time. I'm still growing and will be for the remainder of my days. Last year I felt so much shame - not now. I do not believe that our God is a God of shame. I can't begin to tell you the joy I experienced yesterday morning, as I stood there, not to be recognized, not to be seen by others or gain their acceptance. I stood there to show my love for Jesus, to serve Him, and to walk what He has been graciously teaching me.

Obedience is hard isn't it? Here is what I know to be true today. The act of obedience can pull our hearts in many directions, but the end result is that I grow closer to Christ. I learn and love His heart. I see His passion for me, His desire to see me become the woman He destined me to be. I feel like I'm starting to get it. I am willing to experience fear, pain, uncertainty head-on because I know who stands with me...it's not just 250 other people worshiping God, it is the Great I Am himself. How blessed I am to be loved. The magnitude of sacrifice displayed on the cross means something totally different to me today. He died for ME. His blood provided me salvation, provides me with hope. His blood has given me eternity. He has given me everything.

Christian Dior vs. Aveda

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 15:45:00 +0000

I've been a bit remiss in writing this past month. Life is insanely busy, but in a good way. God provided a catalyst for change that was uncomfortable, but in retrospect, totally necessary and I'm seeing the blessings even now. I'm loving my new job, although it takes me out of my comfort zone and into something new. You know how I am. I like to think I know most things. Well, in this industry my knowledge is limited and I find that frustrating sometimes. I do like the learning curve and I think everyday my abilities grow and grow. The other day a good friend of mine cut my hair. She said as we were finishing up, that she could see something changing in me for God's glory. I think I walked on the clouds the rest of the day. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God's power in my life. Most of the time, I have to just get out of my own way.

I'm in a safe place now and many feelings that I've been putting off are coming to the surface. I don't feel quite so ill-prepared, nor do I feel the enormous fear I felt even a month and a half ago. Grief has been a big one as of late. I think that grief is cleansing, but I have to tell you, it hurts like a mo-fo. God's been good to me again and again. Lately, he's been providing friends with similar beliefs and and a sense of humor that puts Richard Pryor to shame. I haven't laughed this much in ages! It's really adding to the lines around my eyes. Dude, I had to start investing in eye-cream and I don't mean the Walgreen's whatever is on clearance stuff. Hello Aveda. Hello Christian Dior. It helps, but the sudden awareness of aging is quite alarming. I pray that I'll have the glorious skin my Mom does. She kept Christian Dior in business for a long time!

Can I just mention I can't decide if the makers of Playstation should either receive a Nobel Prize or be knocked silly. I can hear three kids in the other room all fighting over who's winning, who's losing, and who basically has no skills about the game. This is all quickly followed by rousing cheers, hoops and hollers and laughter. I'm afraid to go in there. Yikes Batman.

I really have nothing profound to say today. I think my brain is on overload and I can't urp up any spiritual, funny or worthwhile comments! I'm still alive for those of you faithful in asking and yes, life has improved beyond my imagination. Thanks to all of you who have stood by me through all of this. You'll never understand what that has meant to me. Life changing is all I can say.

Obrigado (gratefulness)

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:08:00 +0000

I have the coolest thing ever to share! As many of you know I've been staying with my Mom. As with most family relationships I think we fell into old patterns and for me, one of my greatest character defects of entitlement reared it's ugly little head...a lot. On Friday morning, she came into my room at 9:30 a.m. and said she could no longer live with me and that I had to get out NOW. I was totally dismayed, ticked off like you couldn't imagine and so enraged. I began packing my things, which was a disaster by the way and was gone within a little over an hour. I have to be honest and say I wanted to get high so bad I could hardly see straight. Praise God I didn't, it truly was because of God's grace. Anyway, I drove around aimlessly, crying, screaming, you name it. I don't have a cell phone, so I couldn't call anyone. I finally decided that I would have to sleep in my car and figure things out on Saturday. I drove to our church (and if you attend my church and are reading this, don't you dare tell anyone I did this) and parked in the back of the lot, crawled in the backseat and tried to sleep. Of course, I didn't get a wink, but decided I would go back to my Mom's the next day, ask to use the phone and take a shower. I showed up and she agreed to let me do that. My brother got on the Internet and tried to find emergency shelters and such. Okay, can I just add here that all two of them in the state of Colorado were closed until Monday. What do they think, people don't end up homeless on the weekends? For the love.

I made a few phone calls, and got a hold of two people. One, a dear friend, lives in Arkansas so me crashing on her couch wasn't a reality. She spoke the truth I needed to hear, which was that nothing at this point was beneath me and it was time to get off my a** and make things happen. I've been wallowing in self-pity for awhile in case you didn't know. We prayed together, I cried a lot and she just loved on me. She told me the two most immediate things I needed to do were to find a safe place to lay my head and get a freakin' job. The next phone call was to another friend from our church choir. She and her husband were literally walking out the door. I gave her the Reader's Digest version of what was happening and she said I could come stay for the weekend. They live up in the mountains in the most amazing house you've ever been in. It's called Selah Place, which means to pause and reflect. She asked me if I wanted to go to church on Sunday and then to a picnic. I said no to church, didn't really want to go to the picnic but said yes. We sat out on the porch and talked endlessly and again, she spoke God's truth which I so needed to hear.

Before I left my Mom's house on Saturday I sent out an e-mail to three or four friends from church asking for help. What you have to know is that during my active addiction, I hurt these people immensely. I have avoided my relationships with them out of fear (this is totally my issue and not theirs). I felt bad for sending out this e-mail but didn't know what else to do. I knew I had until today to find a place to sleep. Camping out in my car and peeing on public property is really no way to live. Back to the picnic part...

My friend T and I pull into the park for the picnic and in my heart I'm hating it. She mentions that it was a choir picnic and suddenly I felt better knowing I would see many friends who have stood by my side through more than anyone should ever have to. Truly, within 15-20 minutes a long time friend came up to me and said "So, how would you feel about staying with us AND I have a job I think you would be perfect for." She was one of the people I sent the e-mail to, but again was afraid I'd hurt her too much that her help wasn't an option. This was truly one of those situations I was glad to be so wrong!

I believe with my whole heart that when I prayed to God "Lord, I am willing to anything at this point. Yes, nothing is beneath me and yes, I haven't been focused entirely on you, but please, provide a way." His response was "My beloved child, I have been waiting for you to say that. What I will keep beneath you is a pillow in a house with a christian family. What I will keep beneath you is the strength of my wind to bring you through this storm. What I will keep within you is my never ending love. Wait and see what I have in store, wait and see my love how I will bless you." Never in my 31 years has the Lord provided a way so quickly. He's been so faithful to me time and time again, but I have continued to take it for granted. I think the journey of recovery has helped me so much in just being grateful. I can tell you, my faith has been small as of late and my doubt big.

God, you promised that if my faith was as small as a mustard seed you would move mountains for me. The mountain you just moved seemed insurmountable, impossible, and beyond what I thought you would do. I long to be a light in a dark place, to glorify you, to love you more and give you my best. Thank you for giving me yet another chance to do just that. Help me be the godly woman you desire, one full of gratefulness, full of joy and a countenance that reflects only you. Jesus, you truly are the one and only.

Obrigado dear Lord, obrigado (that's portuguese for gratefulness by the way).

Healing Captive

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Norman) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 23:53:00 +0000

"O, God, who frees the captive, do not liberate this carnal slave for freedom's sake. For I will surely wing my flight to another thorny land. Break, instead, each evil bond and rub my swollen wrists, then take me prisoner to your will - enslaved in your safekeeping. O, God, who ushers light into the darkness, do not release me to the light only to see myself. Cast the light of my liberation upon your face and be thou my vision. Do not hand me over to the quest of greater knowledge. Make your word a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. O, God, who lifts the grieving head, blow away the ashes but let your gentle hand be upon my brow. Be my only crown of beauty. Comfort me so deeply, my Healer, that I seek no other comfort. O, God, who loves the human soul too much to let it go, so thoroughly impose yourself into the heaps and depths of my life that nothing remains undisturbed. Plow this life, Lord, until everything you overturn becomes a fertile soil. Then plant me O God, in the vast plain of your love. Grow me, strengthen me, and do not lift your pressing hand until it can boastfully unveil a display of your splendor."

These words have been my life song for over a year now. I can say with profound certainty that my God kept his promise to grow me and strengthen me. He has reminded me of promises he made and that for many, it is time for them to come to fruition. Not all of them are happening in the manner I envisioned, but nonetheless, God and I are going further still to reach them. I love the picture of God's hand gently pressing my brow, bringing me comfort and still, breathing life into a masterpiece. His touch entails so much.

Just for today, I will feel the warmth of God's embrace and know that I am a display of His splendor.