A New Road To Travel

For the first time in I can't remember how long, I finally feel like I am exactly where God wants me to be. He's made it so obvious how this was all orchestrated and I feel blessed. I know the work ahead is hard, but the reward is eternity with my King and a little boy who will respect his Mom.

For those of you who don't know, I am living in a Women's Center in Capitol Hill. It's a lovely place, started many years ago by a group of nuns. The facility in beautiful, but what captivates me more is the stories I hear everyday of women, much like me, transformed. I am at the beginning of my journey, and a bit scared, but as I've said before He is the potter and I am the clay. I am eager to see what sort of masterpiece God creates out of me. For the first time in I don't know how many years, I don't feel vacant. I sense the power of the Holy Spirit in me and he is working. So many of you have prayed and those prayers did not fall on deaf ears. I am surround by women of diversity, but a handful who love the Lord. My eyes have been opened the past few weeks as to what the real issues are and I believe that God brought me to this place to begin working on those issues. It's good to have arrived, but scary to see what lies ahead. This one thing I do know: I walk in faith with my Savior. I walk in confidence with my King. And I walk with my head up with my Redeemer.

There are a handful to have faithfully prayed and I just want to thank you: Grams, Mom, Cheri, Randy, Jean, Terry, Gena, Maelisa, Cindy, Tosha, and a certain 8 year old boy. Amen that God is working! God is faithful. To the road ahead...

A Tapestry

Writing is wonderfully cathartic for me, so as you read this, you must understand that at this very moment what I am typing seeps from the deepest part of my heart - the very fabric of a tender spot within my soul.

Recently, as I posted earlier in the blog, I felt God calling me to give my daughter Madilynn a precious gift. That gift required sacrifice on my part, but it was so evident that the result now and in the long run is the absolute best for her. The Lord laid on my heart that her stepmom should be able to adopt her. Frankly, to call this woman "stepmom" isn't fair, when the reality is that she has been Madilynn's Mom much more than I have. Introducing and explaining why I haven't been there would take the next decade to explain, so just take my word for it. Anyway, I emailed "C" today and briefly shared my thoughts. My inclination was that she would of course agree, but that the final workings of all this would be played out in the months to come. You can imagine my dismay when after a short time, minutes in fact, I saw a response to my email. C told me that she filed a petition and it was granted in June 2009 (I was unaware of this petition). Honestly, I just sat and cried. I wept for the moments I've missed out on, for the goodnight kisses hoarded in my imagination, for the unfamiliar feel of her hand curled in mine. Those same tears flowed with joy, as I thought of such a deserving Mom who took my stead and the little girl who has not gone without love in her life because of it. I wept out of grief, I wept out of jealousy, I wept with relief.

Lately, it has been difficult to show any level of vulnerability - to let people see the real me. Running away in various forms has become a pastime of mine. I keep thinking about a quote by C.S. Lewis that basically says that God whispers to us in our joys, yet He shouts in our pain. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. Faithfully, His shouting has been relentless of late and it has broken through the slumber of depression. The process by which I must sort through the tattered shreds of my life feels daunting. Yet, I am reminded that it is God who weaves the fabric of the tapestry together. From my perspective underneath this tapestry, I see only threads, remnants of loosely sewn experiences, the bits and pieces that make up my life. Ever the Master, He sees the tapestry on the proper side. Is it a gilded work of art that displays forgiveness, grace, redemption, willingness and humility? Does He guide the needle gently to intertwine His Spirit through my heart and mind? Will the sum of His efforts someday manifest a creation worthy to be displayed to others, or more importantly, collected in a gallery that reflects His handiwork? It matters not where this galleria is. What matters is that I offer myself to Him, a continuous supply of threads that can be woven and spun.

The cord of motherhood is a part of His design for me. I am sad in some ways that the ribbons I chose have been set aside and replaced with the light of someone else. Yet I hope, that the thread I call Madilynn, will somehow be crafted back into my life as this tapestry is made. I once saw a tapestry of the face of Jesus. There was the slightest sight of a glorious gold ribbon. Without it, His eyes would not have glimmered, attention to His hands would remain unnoticed. This delicate yet sparing gold thread made the tapestry what it was. Perhaps Madilynn is my gold thread.

For the work you are creating, I give thanks that you weave with perfection. May the tapestry of my daughter be the most splendid display of your artistry.

I keep thinking about this quote I heard the other day. "God does not call the equipped. He equips the called." Admittedly, I feel ill-equipped right now. While I realize that perhaps that furthers my reliance on the Lord, I also recognize that my feelings of inadequacy paralyze me. I've certainly been in worse places, feeling the tattered ends of the rope while clinging on to it with what little strength I had left. I am not at the end of my rope right now, but I could say with certainty that I've been hit with the apathetic stick.

Lord, it's hard for me to express just how I feel right now, but I trust that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me. I am in need of some specific provisions and my looming doubt is trying to convince my heart that you will not come through. Somehow please connect my head, my heart and my soul to your presence. I do long to seek you, to know you more and be crafted how you see fit. I can't even begin to imagine what that portrait would look like, but trust that indeed you are the artist. As the song says "You are the potter, I am the clay. You are the artist and I am the paint. You are the writer and I am your song - I will be your instrument my whole life long. Mold me, change me, color me in shades of you. Play me, sing through me a melody, so when they look at me they will only see who you are. You are my Father and I am your child. An empty vessel, and you are the fire. All that you are Lord is all I desire - Master, Creator...take my life. Make me your work of art." (Shannon Wexelberg - Work Of Art).

To be clearer shades of you is what I ask for.

God's Curriculum

Recently, I read a prayer from Elisabeth Elliot. I was enamored with it, so I made it my own. "Lord, teach me to treat all that comes my way with the sensibility that you have ordained it. May such lessons spur peace of soul and with firm conviction, may I trust that your will governs all." My Lord, in His infinite humor and steadfast heart of teaching, decided it was time to put that prayer into practice.

To begin with, is that peace of soul something that has hallmarked my life? Honestly, no. I am most certainly one of those people who much prefers to be in the driver's seat. Generally, it's when life turns chaotic or painful that I seek God. This, of course, is not how He intended it to be. But, I am flawed and to say that I run to God amidst all things would be far from the truth. I have, however, lived in said peace long enough to know that it indeed can only come from God, who gives "not as the world gives."

A few months ago, the Lord laid a decision on my heart concerning my daughter Madilynn. Initially, I resisted his prodding to belay the claim I had on her. What claim you might ask? Well, without sucking you into the saga, I have not been the mother she deserves, nor have I been responsible or involved at a level that would warrant typical motherly claims. The Lord has provided immensely for her, giving her a Daddy who adores her and a step mom who has carefully reared this precious blessing in my absence. Could it be God's will that I should step back and give Madilynn, and her step mom, a much deserved gift? That gift would allow Madilynn to be adopted by her step mom. My conclusion is yes. But, arriving there led me down a path in which I had to own my shortcomings, and realize that to make up for them in a worldly sense, would take more than a lifetime. I do believe that His will governs all. In a wrong-filled world, we suffer...and we cause many wrongs. God is here to comfort, to heal, and to forgive. He can bring blessings in abundance out of our sin (which is to say we should enter into sinful behavior hoping blessings might surface down the road). I have been fortunate to encounter this again and again in my life.

I've thought a great deal about the love I have for Madilynn, the love I have for my Lord, yet the disdain I have held for myself over this situation. I wronged her, perhaps in ways she cannot yet understand. I am afraid that someday she will understand, yet I must cling to God's grace to face that day when and if it comes, believing that His will truly does govern all things. Dwelling on this love, I've been assured that love, as God designed it, is very patient, it is very kind. Love never seeks its own. Love looks to God for his grace to help.

Amidst this lesson, I've learned that in this heavenly curriculum, I have wanted to pick and choose the lessons as I see fit. I wish to assemble the curriculum according to my own preferences and areas of need that I perceive. The idea of what I actually need to learn are limited and even more distorted. What I seek from God, is help. Help me relinquish control. Help me love as you would see fit. Govern all of me. Mercifully, God does not leave me to choose my own curriculum. His wisdom is perfect, His knowledge embraces not only all worlds but the individual hearts and mind of each of His loved children. I must trust and believe that He will govern the lessons of my daughter as well. What I do know, is that there are lessons in this curriculum that I wish I could skip. But, I press on, seeking to do His will and apply His truth to my life. Today, I can stand and say what the psalmist said: "I, thy servant, will study your statutes. Your instruction is my continual delight, to it I turn for counsel. I will run the course set out in your commandments, for they bring joy to my heart." Psalm 119:23, 24, 32.

Today, with joy, I drink deeply from the fountain of salvation (Isaiah 12:3) and I dive into the well of instruction God deems for this lesson. With a heart of love, I know that giving Madilynn back to the arms of the Father and allowing Him to govern her life is a gift that cannot be put in a nice box with a bow. It can however, be delivered through the bending of my knees, the pushing aside of my own wants, and the ever fervent desire to do what is best for who I consider to be one of my greatest blessings.

Lord, I give you thanks for your mercy and bringing forth the sweet peace of being in your will.

Keeping A Quiet Heart

Elisabeth Elliot is one of my favorite authors. She writes in a way that is raw, exposes truth, all while being touchingly compassionate given all that she has faced in life. She has a book entitled Keep A Quiet Heart, which I highly suggest you have in your library. "Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure." (Psalm 16:5). I often think about that night the disciples were out on the Sea of Galilee and the storm was raging. They were petrified, convinced they would end up on the bottom of the sea. Yet, our Lord was fast asleep, seemingly unaware of the tumultuous storm raging around them. The disciples were angry and shook Him awake with rebuke. How could he sleep through such an event? His heart was quiet as he rested in the calm assurance of the Father. I don't think any of us possess a heart so perfectly at rest, for most don't live in divine unity, however, we can learn more and more each day regarding what Jesus knew. Kierkegaard said that purity of heart is to will one thing. Christ willed only one thing: the will of His Father. Believing that God has assigned me my portion and my cup, knowing my lot is secure in His hands, is there is no greater simplifier of life? Can we say there are things that happen which do not belong to our lovingly assigned portion (this belongs, that does not)? Are some things then, out of the control of the Almighty? I believe every assignment is measured for my eternal good. As I accept certain portions, others are cancelled out (don't mistake what I'm saying to mean that we do not have the ability to exercise free will), and as I accept my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. My assignment entails my willing acceptance of my portion, whether I like it or not. Our response is what matters, and quietness creeps in when we wholly believe that our portion is in the hands of the Father. God promises that He will comforts us, just as a mother comforts her child (Isaiah 66:13). The choice is ours. I can willingly see God, receive from His hand that which He offers with gratitude. Shall I charge him with a mistake in His measurement or with misjudging the sphere in which I can best learn to trust Him? Has He indeed misplaced me? Is He ignorant of things or people that might hinder my doing His will? No. God doesn't love me because of me, He loves me because He is God.

The secret to accepting my portion and my cup is Christ in me, not a different set of circumstances. "He whose heart is kind beyond all measure, gives unto each day what He deems best, lovingly its part of pain and pleasure, mingling toil with peace and rest" Lina Sandell

Lord, today I'll do my best to accept what is given to me, knowing that your measurement is for my best. I will keep a quiet heart in the assurance that you, my God, offer me all that I need to live day by day. In the moments that the torment and confusion seem to overwhelm me, grant me the peace that Jesus felt that night on the boat. You are indeed, my blessed assurance.

Merciful Refusals

Many of us face serious dilemmas and choices in life. In fact, not a single person I know has ever escaped this. I know that I've often prayed for God to somehow remove the struggle, erase the dilemma, and allow me to move on. Usually the answer is "No, not right away." Face it, I must. Furthermore, such situations beckon me to my knees and it is generally there that I learn to wait on the Lord. Notice I didn't say patiently wait. Sometimes patience is in my possession, other times it's as absent as a high school senior the Monday after prom.

St. Augustine said, "The very pleasures of human life men acquire by difficulties." There are times with the entire arrangement of our existence is disrupted and we long for a single quiet and ordinary day. My perception has often been that an ordinary life is greatly desirable, even wonderful, in light of the terrible things that have taken place. I am reminded that difficulties open our eyes to pleasures and gifts clearly taken for granted. The apostle Paul said that he had been "very thoroughly initiated into the human lot with all its ups and downs" (Philippians 4:12, NEB). He was hard-pressed, bewildered, persecuted and struck down. God, in His mercy, didn't remove Paul's hardships. Some of God's greatest mercies are His refusals, are they not? Instead, God made himself known to Paul because of his trials, in such ways as to strengthen his faith and make him an instrument of peace to the rest of us. Hard-pressed Paul was, but not hemmed in - God promises we will never be tempted beyond our power to endure (I can't tell you how many times I've doubted this). Bewildered Paul was, but never at wit's end - God promises wisdom to those who ask for it. Persecuted Paul was, but never left to stand it alone. God promises His unfailing presence, all the days of our lives. Struck down Paul was, but not left to die, although some of Paul's rescues were ignominious in the extreme (think of Paul being let down over a wall in a basket to land on a chunk of plywood). Certainly not the means Paul likely envisioned that the Lord would use to fulfill His promises. But on second thought, why not? Absurdity sometimes does us good. It reminds of God's power and most definitely, His creativity. Yes, life can be absurd - on the surface - but every bit of it is planned, just as Paul tells us. "It is for your sake that all things are ordered, so that, as the abounding grace of God is shared by more and more, the greater may be the chorus of thanksgiving that ascends to the glory of God" (II Corinthians 4:15 NEB). Do I sing a chorus of thanksgiving for God's merciful refusals? Does my song reflect the gratitude of a sinner saved by grace? I ought to think twice about asking the Lord to remove the thorn in my side and instead, seek to find joy in the absurdity of it all. God always answers our prayers. Sometimes, one merciful refusal at a time.

Selah

My Manifesto

I was catching up on a friend's blog tonight and came across a post about a Survivor's Manifesto. I read it and then tried to go on about my merry little way. I had to stop what I was doing and come to terms with what I'm experiencing right now. Anger. I'm so angry about so many things. For me, anger is very scary and for the majority of my life, it was never okay to be angry. You see, in our house, it meant that things could turn upside down in the blink of an eye and turmoil in one form or another, always ensued. Often, I use anger now as a buffer, somehow thinking that it will keep people at arms length. In fact, it does, but that's not a good thing. I realized that recently, I've been shutting people out, keeping myself in and stewing. There have been various circumstances as of late that have sent me into a tail spin. Some of those situations warranted anger, many did not. Frankly, I've wanted to scream at other people and say "Why don't you understand me? Is it that hard to identify with what I'm trying to communicate?" Not the best line of defense and generally, no, they don't get what I'm trying to express primarily because my method is, well, just lame. Here are some of the items on that manifesto, adjusted to what I want to say.
1.) Don't judge where I am. You may not know where or how complicated my journey has been.
Even if you've been a part of that journey, don't assume that you know the depths of the impact it has had on me.
2.) Respect the courage it took to survive.
3.) Don't act like my emotions and feelings are flawed.
4.) Don't give glib answers or ideas. I know deep down what I need to do next. Sometimes it takes me time to do the next right thing. Generally, I come around. Let the process run it's course.
5.) Set boundaries with me. Understand that sometimes I don't know what my own boundaries ought to be. Be patient with me and trust that I'll keep striving to learn.
6.) What matters, is not what you intend, but how it feels to me. I'll keep that at the forefront of my mind when I'm with you too.
7.) Just because you don't "get it" doesn't mean I'm wrong.
8.) I'm always questioning my assumptions and working to change/improve my life. With that in mind, please don't act condescending or superior. To patronize me is hurtful adn the most sure fire way to ruin our relationship permanently.
9.) Just because you don't want to believe it could happen to nice people, or in families like yours, in no way does that mean I will stop telling the truth...ever.
10.) I am the expert on who I am and what I need. You may not believe that, or agree with my choices. I might even contradict what you think you know, but there is no way you can have as complete access to who I am and what I've experienced, as I do. The only one with that access is God. Let Him do His job.
11.) Trust that I am doing the best I know how.
12.) What may seem like massive character defects to you may actually be the foundations of strength. Trust that God is working in me.
13.) When I get angry, that usually means that I'm really hurting inside. Instead of continuing to argue with me, ask me what's really bothering me. Be prepared that I will tell you the truth. And by the way, I'm working on presenting my truth in other ways instead of being mad.
14.) I'm much more reflective than you may realize. I'll take a conversation and think about it for weeks afterward. If we get involved in any sort of dealing that includes a great deal of emotion, know that I need space and time to process it all.
15.) I'm very literal. I don't speak cryptically or try to be an enigma. If I say it, I mean it. Take me at my word.
16.) My love language is spending time together. For me to know you care, make time for me. I promise that I'll learn your love language too.
17.) Try not to blindside me. I freak out when that happens. If it's unavoidable, try to understand that a freak out is on the horizon. I'll recover.
18.) If you want to help, believe in me.
19.) If you want to help, pray for me.
20.) If you want to help some more, hug me.

Lord, overflow my heart with your goodness, your joy, and your peace. Let your love reign in me.

p.s. The photo is the japanese symbol for manifesto. Google rocks!