His Gaze

I wish I had the energy to write prolifically tonight about all that is swirling in my head. Not going to happen. All I can say is that God is teaching me a lesson I am just so reluctant to permeate all of me. Do you ever have days where it's everything you can do just to cope? I am trying to discern God's will but recognize I'm so over thinking things. The voice of reason was my brother this afternoon, reminding that sometimes the journey isn't right or wrong, it's right or left. Often, I see things as black and white with no middle. What I am facing currently is definitely a circumstance of gray. God is asking me to give up what I consider most precious in my life and rely completely and utterly on Him.

I keep thinking about Peter as he walked out on the water, in the midst of the storm. While his gaze was fixed on Christ, he was given the ability to walk on the water, but when he looked away, gravity took hold and he began to sink. That's my prayer today. God, help me be like Peter in the continued gaze into your eyes. May I find the peace I desperately long for, may I know the joy that comes only in knowing you, and the freedom in giving up that which I hold dear in order to gain everything you have for me. Just now, Jesus, you know the depths of my heart, the hurts that want to run rampant in my soul, but I beg of you to be the only One in my gaze. May all else fall away to glimpse at your loving and tender face, to feel the warmth of your embrace that is the eternal balm for my humanness. Upon you, sweetest One, do I fix mine eyes.

Gentleness

I often blog to share what I'm struggling with and what the Lord is teaching me. It has been my hope and prayer, with the growing number of people who follow this blog, that when you read it your head is nodding in relation. I laid in bed awake last night for awhile, thinking and praying. I have been keenly aware recently of how at peace I feel. What precipitated such peace? My surrender. As I looked back, I see that I resisted God and His leading, thus creating turmoil in my heart. My daily surrender has led me to let go of what I cannot control and seek God's wisdom in what I can. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am or the immense blessings that God has bestowed in my life.

I read Proverbs 15:1 this morning. Go read it. I will be seeing Kelly this morning. Without getting into massive details, he will be doing 18 months in community corrections. He is angry with me and in turn, his anger has spurred mine. Part of my lying awake last night centered around those circumstances. I woke up dreading having to talk to him. In my mind, I went through my rant and rave, plotting out what I might say. Well, after drudging downstairs, turning on the computer and staring at the daily scripture, God's voice was loud and clear. What my brother needs is gentility, not my anger. What purpose would it serve to lambaste him or take a position that might make him think I don't support him? It's hard for me to not act angry. Generally, my anger is a mask for deeper emotions. I often say "I'm not stubborn, I'm right." This really isn't time to be of that stance, is it?

God is faithful, is he not? His faithfulness continues in spite of our resistance. His love permeates in spite of our anger. His wisdom is available to all who seek it. Have a blessed day!

Love

I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving. I think apart from the idea that I am a sinner and God forgives me, this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. When you get it, it changes you. It changed me. God's love will never change us if we don't accept it.

It's taken me years to learn the lesson. Seasons of wandering off the path God intended for me, hating myself, and taking those around me into the vacuum of darkness. By all accounts and purposes, on the outside few would have known the inner turmoil raging in me. I was stamped and approved, singing my hymns on Sunday, spying the world around me and wondering if anyone else felt the same. The greatest lie I have ever had to contend with is that the universe revolves around me.

Was there a singular change that brought about my acceptance of God's grace and His unconditional love for me? I don't think so. I believe it was a series of moments great and small, starting as a teen working at a christian camp, through having my children and ultimately, hitting the bottom hard two years ago. The seed was planted at that camp as I watched others close to me see and know Christ. The seedling was grown as I marveled that my own children love me without thought or condition. I was changed forever when I awoke spiritually and emotionally after the ravage of addiction had taken hold of my soul. I heard the sound of chains breaking, the prison doors being demolished, and my heart made new with the ushering in of freedom. Beth Moore calls it breaking free. I broke free of the enemy's hold and ran into the arms of my Savior. I received His love and knew it was the truth of all truths. The voices that whispered to me in the dark were silenced when His love came in.

It's the simple things that change our lives.

The Rate of Inflation for Teeth

Big news in the Norman House! Garrett lost his first tooth tonight. It's been loose forever and he has been so patient in waiting for it to be ready to come out (last night I nearly gagged during snuggle time when he kept wiggling it back and forth...you know that gritty sound...and up with dinner). Here's the down-low on the teeth.

Garrett: "Mom, is my tooth loose enough?"

Mom: "Let me see."

Garrett: wiggle, wiggle, gritty-gross sound.

Mom: "I'm gonna hurl homeslice if you don't stop that sound."

Garrett: "You're a drama queen Mom."

Mom: "Do you even know what a drama queen is?"

Garrett: "Of course, I'm 7 you know."

Mom: "Yes, I know."

Garrett: "Hey Mom? Is the tooth fairy a boy or a girl?"

Mom: "I don't know. What do you think?"

Garrett: "I think it's a girl. Boys can't be fairies."

Stifled laughter. I can barely contain myself...boys can't be fairies.

Side note: conversation with Papa ensues and the question is raised "Papa, how much did the tooth fairy leave you when you were a kid?

Papa: "Uh. Well, I was born in 1944..."

Mom: "Oh, here we go."

Papa: "I think it left me .50 cents or a dollar maybe. But then again you have to take into account inflation."

More stifled laughter. If you're a Republican, it's closer to .50 cents. If you're a Democrat, swing wide. Does anyone have Alan Greenspan on speed-dial?

Garrett: "Papa, the tooth fairy sounds like a cheap-skate."

Mom and Nana are looking at each other and mouthing nonsense to figure out how much cash we have between us.

Garrett: "Mom, you need to leave the tooth fairy a note to tell her to leave more than what Papa got in 1944. By the way, how long ago was 1944?"

Mom: "Closer to when dinosaurs walked the earth I think."

Garrett (out-loud): "I didn't know you could be that old."

Snickering Mother can only utter "He remembers the discovery of oil."

Garrett: "Will the tooth fairy come when a kid is this excited?"

Mom: "YES! And the tooth fairy is so happy you lost your tooth (he's the last kid in his class by the way). Just imagine, she's out there flying around, just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can work her magic."

Garrett: "I hope her magic is more than a dollar."

My son, the future Economics major and his in-debt Mom trying to figure inflation, the cost of a first tooth, supply and demand. Nana and I agreed to two dollars, allowing us room for expansion at a later date.

Moonless Seas

One simple word seems to sum my existence right now - tired. I got pneumonia right after my glorious nose surgery (and no, for the many who have asked I did not get a nose job. In fact, I had a pretty perfect nose to say the least. I can't say if it will be the same ever again, just wiping it bring tears to my eyes), and it has made a comeback in the past few days. While it's not serious by any means, my body is simply worn out. I made it to about 8:30 last night and was in bed before CSI was on. Another reason I praise God for On Demand. The marvels of modern technology!

Anyway, my tired state in part is due to the emotional roller-coaster I've been living on. My Mom has put her house on the market and her immanent departure back to Seattle is on the compass. Admittedly, I am scared that indeed she will return to Washington. While my Mom and I have had our issues, she's my Mom and her leaving would put me in Colorado alone. I can barely go there - this is a big issue that also involves Garrett, so my heartstrings have been pulled and my hands are in the air. While a relatively familiar position, it remains uncomfortable. It seems that often I'd rather be carrying an arm full of stones, than wait on God. Like I mentioned the other day, waiting appears to be exactly where He desires for me to be. It feels like I've taken my hands off the steering wheel (which anyone knowing me would say that's a good thing) and I'm going mach-90 with my hair on fire. While it may be amusing for some to watch, to me I feel like I'm living on the brink, so to speak.

My brother is safe, praise God, but he is clearly not okay. I am sad about this, as over the past several years, it seems that I'm the only one able to reach parts of his heart. Even then, I have sensed there a large territory that only God can navigate. I feel helpless and wish more than I can describe, that I could shoulder the burden. By every account, my brother is my very best friend and understands parts of me that no other has been able to. I believe, well I know, this is mutual. Perhaps it's because we're siblings, raised in the same house under the same rules, or because our demons are not that different. All in all, I think it's the sum total of all things and that comprehension brings with it relation that few are in the company of. I'm relieved he is safe, but the torment of his emotions is obvious to me and to watch that ship get tossed about on the high seas is almost unbearable. Is this Christ giving me a watchful eye on what has been His portion over the years and His torment in watching me toss about? I remember years ago being taught a lesson about navigating on moonless seas (thank you Elisabeth Elliot and her incredible perception). Some days the compass works, we feel one with our creator and all is in harmony. Other days, the sea's are moonless, the way dark, and we feel alone. No matter the condition, God remains by our side and even in the darkness, we are never alone. Sometime, I think, He breaks our compass so we turn to face the wind, arms raised in the air, so that the Great Navigator can take hold of the wheel, right our direction and bring us out of the White Squall. Praise life in the dinghy.

Well, life beckons and the microwave just beeped for a gourmet meal. Until my compass turns, I remain watchful of the horizon and hopeful that not all is lost.

Why I Get Angry

Wow, life has been happening fast. I feel heavy-hearted tonight for a lot of reasons. My brother went back out this weekend and showed up today. I feel sad for him, and even a bit of anger, however, I know the darkness well that pulls him. Sometimes looking at him is like looking in a mirror. Got to love that.

I'm in the midst of the process of military acceptance. We have a few medical things to clear up. If those are accepted, then I'm in. Holy buckets. I think it's a really good thing on so many levels. It will be hard. I am frustrated by how long the process takes. I'd rather be done with it and know one way for certain. God is keeping me waiting really. Waiting on Him. I'm not very good with that. I wish I could say that patience was my strong suit. Yeah, not happening.

I read a really interesting part of the book I mentioned earlier Blue Like Jazz. "Why I get angry when I go to church. It doesn't do any good to bash churches, so I am not making blanket statements against the church as a whole. I have only been involved in a few churches, but I had the same tension with each of them; that's the only reason I bring it up. Here are the things I didn't like about churches I went to. First: I felt like people were trying to sell me Jesus. I was a salesman for a while, and we were taught that you are supposed to point out all the benefits of a product when you are selling it. That is how I felt about some of the preachers I heard speak. They were always pointing out the benefits of Christian faith. That rubbed me wrong. It's not that there aren't benefits, there are, but did they have to talk about spirituality like it's a vacuum cleaner? I never felt like Jesus was a product. I wanted Him to be a person. Not only that, but they were always pointing out how great the specific church was. The bulletin read like a brochure for Amway. There always saying how life-changing some conference was going to be. Life-changing? What does that mean? It sounded very suspicious. I wish they would just tell it to me straight rather than trying to sell me on everything. I felt like I was bombarded with commercials all week and then went to church on Sunday and got even more. And yet another thing about the churches I went to: They seemed to be parrots for the Republican Party. Do we have to tow the party line on every single issue? Are the Republicans that perfect? I felt like, in order to be part of the family, I had to think George W. Bush was Jesus. And I didn't. I didn't think that Jesus really agreed with a lot of the policies of the Republican Party or for that matter the Democratic Party. I felt like Jesus was a religious figure, not a political figure. I heard my pastor say once, when there were only a few of us standing around, that hated Bill Clinton. I can understand not liking Clinton's policies, but I want my spirituality to rid me of hate, not give me more reason for it. I couldn't deal with that. That is the main reason I walked away. I felt like, by going to this particular church, I was a pawn for the Republicans. Meanwhile, the Republicans did not give a crap about the causes of Christ....The truth is we are supposed to LOVE the hippies, the liberals, and even the democrats, and that God wants us to think of them as more important than ourselves. Anything short of this is not true to the teachings of the gospels." The author goes and and at the end of the chapter I sighed in relief. Not relief that the reading was over, but that another human being put into words my exact feelings. This author speaks to the truth and power of the gospels and how by-in-large we as Christians just don't get it. He challenged himself to do what the gospels say: feed the hungry, shelter those without homes and befriend on a sincere level, those that society finds less-lovable. How this simple practice changed his life. I have to admit, I want to do the same thing. The issue for me is that while I have passion for Christ (he likens passion to pouring gasoline in a tank for a car with no wheels...it's belief in action that makes changes), if I were totally honest everyday I act like I am the most important person in the universe. I live out my true beliefs. Whooooo. Praise God that He changes us and Praise God that I finally found the sense to ask for the right kinds of changes.

Anyway, that's my bit for today. I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I got pneumonia right after the nose surgery and think it has not entirely resolved. I am so exhausted and my chest feels like someone is crushing it. Comfy.
Blessings to all!

Faith is the first step...

"By His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the One who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence." II Peter 1:3

Everyday I receive an e-mail with the daily encouraging word from KLOVE. If you don't get it, I highly recommend you visit their website and sign up. It's made a huge difference in my life and has grown my hunger for God's word. This particular scripture really struck me. Honestly, I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself and when I read that God has already given me everything I need to live a godly life, I almost passed out. I kept thinking "How could you have given me everything I need for this? I feel lacking in so many areas. God, what am I missing?" I do believe that I'm one of those people who prays and God answers quickly and in such a way that I generally know it's Him. This is no exception. "Beloved, do you remember when you came to know me all those years ago? Do you recall the change in your heart - even now, I'm taking out the stony heart and replacing it with one of tenderness and passion for me. Do you have your own Damascus experience and have forgotten the power I demonstrated to bring you unto me?" No Lord, I haven't forgotten, I've just let it's power diminish and put you in the corner for awhile. My Damascus experience wasn't when I was a little girl. I came to know Christ at a very young age in my bathtub. It wasn't because of what I heard in Sunday school or what the cool kids were doing. Truly, God's voice spoke to me and I knew then that I was meant to be His. However, my Damascus experience has been over the past 18 months or so. Martin Luther King once said that faith is taking the first step, even when we can't see the entire staircase. I have to agree and say that I'm not sure I've ever seen the whole staircase, nor would God want me to as it would lessen my reliance on Him.

In Paul's conversion moments, I wonder if he thought that life would be okay down the road. He knew he had been changed, he knew he wanted to share that change with anyone he could. But in his heart, was there peace, was there a confidence in God's sovereignty and provisions for his life? Perhaps this is exactly why Paul spent time alone and in the quiet shortly after his conversion. God asked him to study His word and quiet himself. In that time, I believe all that Paul needed to live a godly life was given abundantly to him. Why should I be any different?

My sponsor called me last night and we finally had a chance to talk about the craziness that I call my life. She made a very simple yet profound statement that reached a dark place in my heart. "Lisa, you will be okay. God will take care of you." When I speak of that dark place, I think everyone has it. Some may live their lives with it never really awakened. For me, active addiction was the dark place lashing out. Many times I wanted to die, for the misery that was my life to simply end. Today, I am able to say that I wish to live - and for a purpose that entails a great deal. I actually believe I will be okay and that God is God. He will take care of me simply because of his marvelous glory and excellence. He loves me. I am His child, His beloved, the cry of His heart. My Damascus experience is teaching me that indeed God is my beloved, the passion of my life and the reason I open my eyes everyday. What is happening around and in me is truly for HIS glory. Yes, my character grows as a result of it, but really, it's to demonstrate the power of God. It amazes me that He chose me, He called me by name, He knows my every step.

Fairest God, my faith is small and my heart fragile, but I believe you have indeed given me all that is required to live a godly life. Just for today, empower me to live in such a manner as to please you and delight your heart. For in your delight is my delight. In your love, I have found the greatest love of my own.