Conflicted

To say I've been remiss in writing is a bit of an understatement. Yes, life has been happening (much to my dismay most days), mixed with a little drama and a whole lot of change. The result, blogging has been low on the priority list. In part, much of what has been happening in my head and heart has been too much to verbalize in any sort of manner that would not only make sense, but even be relateable to those of you who faithfully read this blog.

I was resentful for a period of time over some circumstances, but now am coming out the other side, able to own my part and deflect the crap of others for them to deal with on their own. Deflecting has been a big problem for me. Perhaps it's this crazy idea that not only do I have to be right, I have to make my truth heard by everyone within earshot. Without getting into major specifics (breaching the confidentiality of others), I found myself without a job and the place I was staying at turned out to be not entirely the best for all of us. For those of you who don't know, I did have to have surgery mid-September and my jackass doctor thought putting me on major meds was a good idea. My part - I didn't say no and "what have you been smoking that makes you think I should EVER take the particular medication that has led me down the path of self destruction?" Instead, I filled the prescription but did give it to someone else to dispense to me. I was accused of abusing them, which I did not, but recognize that my head was in total active addiction. Being a perfectionist on all fronts, I was devastated. What I realize in hindsight is that I was incredibly depressed prior to this and instead of seeing that and taking action, I did what is natural to me - I isolated and hid out wherever I could. The cost was huge. Last week I had to really feel my emotions, justified or not, and let them be what they were. It was hard and Kleenex made a lot of money off me! I feel so much more motivated today to change some BIG things in my life and even am starting to feel gratitude for the events of the past 8 weeks. Never thought that would come out of my mouth. And as an FYI, I'm not taking meds now. I came off of them and realize that I can never go down that path again, surgery or not.

God has been ever faithful, and a long-time friend is letting me crash at her place. She's one of those friends that you can not talk to for weeks at a time, yet when you get together you pick up right where you left off. She is also the least judgemental person I've ever known and she just takes me where I'm at. The other great thing about her is that she has boundaries and sticks to them. I don't feel enabled in anyway, and in fact have some discomfort (not related to my relationship to her, but really the circumstances I now find myself in), which I've decided for me is a fantastic motivator. Amazing how God works, and His workings are specific to each of us. Anyway, I feel blessed that she is so willing to help. I also feel blessed to have spent a few days just hanging out with a good friend. What I really love about our relationship is that I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, or the good christian, or whatever. I'm just Lisa and that's good enough. Yes, the spiritual parallel behind that is massive and I get it.

I'm looking at a really big decision for my life right now. I've toyed with an idea for several months, but the change would be crazy bordering on upside down, but the benefit is that it provides long-term stability, amongst other things. I can be a disciplined person and can be submissive, but it's been a long time since I've had to be that way. This choice would force me in a short period of time to be both. One of my concerns is that it would involve moving from place to place (if you haven't figured this out I'm thinking of joining the military) and that would uproot Garrett. How do I manage being a single parent with a child who has special needs and advance career-wise? I've talked with my Mom about it and she actually supports the idea. Initially, Garrett would remain with her until I was settled and knew what was coming. And she expressed that if I had to go overseas, of course she would take care of him. That's a relief. I think what scares me most is the initial part of joining the military...getting up at the crack of dawn, 3 minutes to shower, and really being in great physical shape. I'm a fairly athletic person, but honestly, I've sat on my butt for awhile now! I imagine I would need a few weeks before basic training to get my body back into the swing of the physical demands I know will be required. I feel a bit confused. The unemployment rate in Colorado is high and finding a job is difficult. In the short-term I could wait tables or work at Starbucks, and look for a "real" job in the meantime. But even in a few months, where does that put me? Renting a room from someone, not being able to provide for Garrett the way I think he should be provided for, yet still steps ahead of where I am now. Does this make any sense to anyone? If you're reading this and have thoughts, please give me feedback.

I'm really trying to be the woman I know God wants me to be. I've also realized that mistakes are a part of the process. If I live in them, I become paralyzed and change doesn't happen. When I see the part of Lisa that is exactly what God desires, I feel exhilarated, excited that His work is shining through me. I've gotten over if others see it or not. I was enslaved to that way of thinking for 30 years. It mattered beyond measure what others thought of me...do they like me, am I good enough, would someone love me just because? It feels like I've shed that unhealthy mindset and now am working on the self-acceptance piece and really don't give a rip of you like me or not. What matters is that God is pleased with my heart and actions and that I can love who I am (with all my character defects included). It's pretty liberating to say the least.

I could keep writing, but Garrett is home sick today and asking me for a snack. Motherhood beckons and snuggle time is around the corner. Can I just say that having my son tell me how much he loves me, that I'm the best Mom and his best friend is the best balm for my hurts? Sometimes I feel like his love is God tangibly showing me the spiritual love He has for me. Too cool.

Lisa Needs...

Okay, so my friend Heather (who is a regular blogger too) did this "needs" gig for a post not long ago. You go to the Google website, enter your name and then enter the word "needs" after it. You list the first 10 responses that come up. I nearly wet my pants from laughing so hard when I read mine. Here they are...

1. Lisa needs braces. I spent three years in those dang things. Yes three years, but that's because I skipped appointments all the time. Did I mention that I didn't wear my retainer after I got my braces off? My teeth shifted on the bottom and guess what, I need braces again! Who knew prophecy could appear on Google.
2. Lisa needs new concealer. Dude, I just bought new concealer and I'm allergic to it.
3. Lisa needs a new house. No sh** Sherlock. Although, one could derive a spiritual message from this. Not long ago I did need a new home and God provided a great one.
4. Lisa needs to be on "Big Brother." Right. I need that I like I need a hole in my head. I thought reality TV was a thing of the past. Apparently not.
5. Lisa needs to get a life. I can't respond to this.
6. Lisa needs new underwear. Did you know there is a lingerie designer named Lisa Norman?
7. Lisa needs to be useful, not popular. Can't I be both?
8. Lisa needs a personal chef. This directly relates to the 9th Lisa need...
9. Lisa needs to get back in skinny jeans. Need I say more?
10. Lisa needs to get drop kicked into this century. I'm a Norman, what can I say. My father still uses a wind-up clock because digital confuses him AND he still uses VHS. At least I am further along than that!

My personal favorite "need" is the skinny jeans. If I could just cease my addiction to ice-cream, chocolate, and Chick-Fil-A, I would be on my way.

Growing and growing

So, my return to choir wasn't well received by the choir-director. I can't even begin to tell you the emotion that's caused, along with some minor brain damage in thinking about it so much. Bottomline, God's will isn't black and white is it? Maybe it really is time to move on to a different church and begin anew. I think there is too much history there. Anyone in recovery knows and understands that our amend process involves protecting ourselves too. Totally there. I'm digging the self-preservation piece right now.

I'm not a perfect person and this past year I've certainly made my share of mistakes. I've really tried to own my stuff, seek forgiveness when I need to, offer and accept grace on a daily basis and just grow up. There is one relationship in my life particularly that has been unable to move forward. It's very disappointing and terribly hurtful for both of us. It didn't occur to me that perhaps the relationship could never recover. I feel (feel being the foundation of the following sentence) that no matter what I do, this person will always keep my past hanging over me. I've been accused of things that I didn't do and frankly, don't understand where this person's information is coming from. They sure as hell aren't talking to me, which just aggrivates the hell out of me. I've spent enough time being the bad guy. If that's all I'll ever be known as by this person, well then, move the f*ck on. Can you sense my anger? I'm tired of trying to be understood, I'm tired of hoping for this person's forgiveness and trust. By the way, I get that trust is earned. But it can never be restored if there is no opportunity given by the other party to restore it. What is so ambigious to me right now is where do you draw the line? When is enough, enough? This is one of those moments that I wish God used neon signs in my life. I'd really like to see one that flashes brightly and directs me one way or the other! I know Lord, a lot to ask.

I'm starting a Beth Moore bible study this next week and eager to see what God has in store. The past month has been pretty amazing overall. I continually step back and stand in awe at what God has been doing for me. What I love so much, or really have come to appreciate, is that His work hasn't been easy. I finally got off my butt and started living. It's been scary. My good friend (who happens to be my boss) has had to endure me crying a lot! God's blessings are abundant are they not? You know what I would really love? Many of my reader's e-mail me and have positive things to say. They encourage me regularly and pray continually. I would love for you guys to respond to this post via a comment or e-mail me, and share what God is doing in your life. How is He working, how is He showing himself? I think it would be a huge encouragement for us all.

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."
~ Ezekiel 36:26, NLT

Blue Like Jazz

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that, I liked jazz. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way..." Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz

A friend lent me the above book and this is the preface quote from the author. Obviously, it struck a note. I've said before that I've been a christian most of my life but feel as though the journey of faith began 18 months ago. I went to church this weekend. For those who don't know, I have been praying about finding a new church. The wake left behind as a result of my addiction ravaged many relationships within my church family. The pain on all sides has been tremendous. I wanted to leave, start over and begin anew. Deep in my heart, God was saying that leaving, while easy and convenient, was the cowardly thing to do. I told the Lord recently that I would be willing to do whatever He asked - willing to obey even if I didn't want to. I was put to the test. Everyday my devotions have spoken specifically to the issue of redemption, forgiveness, and the commitment to relationships within my life. I knew what God was asking me to do: stay Lisa, stay.

Last year I intended to return to choir. I thought I was ready and sat down with a number of friends explaining my journey of addiction, God's working and my desire to mend those relationships. In retrospect, I wasn't ready. While my apology was sincere, as was my desire to return to the flock, I had a great deal of growing to do. As is usual for me, I took on too much, too fast. Over this past year, the Lord has taught me about sustaining relationships that mean something. I have to be honest, to return to choir meant facing my fear. It meant facing the hurts of others and I wanted to run away. Yesterday morning, I stood in the choir loft amongst my family, worshiped Jesus and have never felt so right about something. It's time. I'm still growing and will be for the remainder of my days. Last year I felt so much shame - not now. I do not believe that our God is a God of shame. I can't begin to tell you the joy I experienced yesterday morning, as I stood there, not to be recognized, not to be seen by others or gain their acceptance. I stood there to show my love for Jesus, to serve Him, and to walk what He has been graciously teaching me.

Obedience is hard isn't it? Here is what I know to be true today. The act of obedience can pull our hearts in many directions, but the end result is that I grow closer to Christ. I learn and love His heart. I see His passion for me, His desire to see me become the woman He destined me to be. I feel like I'm starting to get it. I am willing to experience fear, pain, uncertainty head-on because I know who stands with me...it's not just 250 other people worshiping God, it is the Great I Am himself. How blessed I am to be loved. The magnitude of sacrifice displayed on the cross means something totally different to me today. He died for ME. His blood provided me salvation, provides me with hope. His blood has given me eternity. He has given me everything.

Christian Dior vs. Aveda

I've been a bit remiss in writing this past month. Life is insanely busy, but in a good way. God provided a catalyst for change that was uncomfortable, but in retrospect, totally necessary and I'm seeing the blessings even now. I'm loving my new job, although it takes me out of my comfort zone and into something new. You know how I am. I like to think I know most things. Well, in this industry my knowledge is limited and I find that frustrating sometimes. I do like the learning curve and I think everyday my abilities grow and grow. The other day a good friend of mine cut my hair. She said as we were finishing up, that she could see something changing in me for God's glory. I think I walked on the clouds the rest of the day. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God's power in my life. Most of the time, I have to just get out of my own way.

I'm in a safe place now and many feelings that I've been putting off are coming to the surface. I don't feel quite so ill-prepared, nor do I feel the enormous fear I felt even a month and a half ago. Grief has been a big one as of late. I think that grief is cleansing, but I have to tell you, it hurts like a mo-fo. God's been good to me again and again. Lately, he's been providing friends with similar beliefs and and a sense of humor that puts Richard Pryor to shame. I haven't laughed this much in ages! It's really adding to the lines around my eyes. Dude, I had to start investing in eye-cream and I don't mean the Walgreen's whatever is on clearance stuff. Hello Aveda. Hello Christian Dior. It helps, but the sudden awareness of aging is quite alarming. I pray that I'll have the glorious skin my Mom does. She kept Christian Dior in business for a long time!

Can I just mention I can't decide if the makers of Playstation should either receive a Nobel Prize or be knocked silly. I can hear three kids in the other room all fighting over who's winning, who's losing, and who basically has no skills about the game. This is all quickly followed by rousing cheers, hoops and hollers and laughter. I'm afraid to go in there. Yikes Batman.

I really have nothing profound to say today. I think my brain is on overload and I can't urp up any spiritual, funny or worthwhile comments! I'm still alive for those of you faithful in asking and yes, life has improved beyond my imagination. Thanks to all of you who have stood by me through all of this. You'll never understand what that has meant to me. Life changing is all I can say.

Obrigado (gratefulness)

I have the coolest thing ever to share! As many of you know I've been staying with my Mom. As with most family relationships I think we fell into old patterns and for me, one of my greatest character defects of entitlement reared it's ugly little head...a lot. On Friday morning, she came into my room at 9:30 a.m. and said she could no longer live with me and that I had to get out NOW. I was totally dismayed, ticked off like you couldn't imagine and so enraged. I began packing my things, which was a disaster by the way and was gone within a little over an hour. I have to be honest and say I wanted to get high so bad I could hardly see straight. Praise God I didn't, it truly was because of God's grace. Anyway, I drove around aimlessly, crying, screaming, you name it. I don't have a cell phone, so I couldn't call anyone. I finally decided that I would have to sleep in my car and figure things out on Saturday. I drove to our church (and if you attend my church and are reading this, don't you dare tell anyone I did this) and parked in the back of the lot, crawled in the backseat and tried to sleep. Of course, I didn't get a wink, but decided I would go back to my Mom's the next day, ask to use the phone and take a shower. I showed up and she agreed to let me do that. My brother got on the Internet and tried to find emergency shelters and such. Okay, can I just add here that all two of them in the state of Colorado were closed until Monday. What do they think, people don't end up homeless on the weekends? For the love.

I made a few phone calls, and got a hold of two people. One, a dear friend, lives in Arkansas so me crashing on her couch wasn't a reality. She spoke the truth I needed to hear, which was that nothing at this point was beneath me and it was time to get off my a** and make things happen. I've been wallowing in self-pity for awhile in case you didn't know. We prayed together, I cried a lot and she just loved on me. She told me the two most immediate things I needed to do were to find a safe place to lay my head and get a freakin' job. The next phone call was to another friend from our church choir. She and her husband were literally walking out the door. I gave her the Reader's Digest version of what was happening and she said I could come stay for the weekend. They live up in the mountains in the most amazing house you've ever been in. It's called Selah Place, which means to pause and reflect. She asked me if I wanted to go to church on Sunday and then to a picnic. I said no to church, didn't really want to go to the picnic but said yes. We sat out on the porch and talked endlessly and again, she spoke God's truth which I so needed to hear.

Before I left my Mom's house on Saturday I sent out an e-mail to three or four friends from church asking for help. What you have to know is that during my active addiction, I hurt these people immensely. I have avoided my relationships with them out of fear (this is totally my issue and not theirs). I felt bad for sending out this e-mail but didn't know what else to do. I knew I had until today to find a place to sleep. Camping out in my car and peeing on public property is really no way to live. Back to the picnic part...

My friend T and I pull into the park for the picnic and in my heart I'm hating it. She mentions that it was a choir picnic and suddenly I felt better knowing I would see many friends who have stood by my side through more than anyone should ever have to. Truly, within 15-20 minutes a long time friend came up to me and said "So, how would you feel about staying with us AND I have a job I think you would be perfect for." She was one of the people I sent the e-mail to, but again was afraid I'd hurt her too much that her help wasn't an option. This was truly one of those situations I was glad to be so wrong!

I believe with my whole heart that when I prayed to God "Lord, I am willing to anything at this point. Yes, nothing is beneath me and yes, I haven't been focused entirely on you, but please, provide a way." His response was "My beloved child, I have been waiting for you to say that. What I will keep beneath you is a pillow in a house with a christian family. What I will keep beneath you is the strength of my wind to bring you through this storm. What I will keep within you is my never ending love. Wait and see what I have in store, wait and see my love how I will bless you." Never in my 31 years has the Lord provided a way so quickly. He's been so faithful to me time and time again, but I have continued to take it for granted. I think the journey of recovery has helped me so much in just being grateful. I can tell you, my faith has been small as of late and my doubt big.

God, you promised that if my faith was as small as a mustard seed you would move mountains for me. The mountain you just moved seemed insurmountable, impossible, and beyond what I thought you would do. I long to be a light in a dark place, to glorify you, to love you more and give you my best. Thank you for giving me yet another chance to do just that. Help me be the godly woman you desire, one full of gratefulness, full of joy and a countenance that reflects only you. Jesus, you truly are the one and only.

Obrigado dear Lord, obrigado (that's portuguese for gratefulness by the way).

Healing Captive

"O, God, who frees the captive, do not liberate this carnal slave for freedom's sake. For I will surely wing my flight to another thorny land. Break, instead, each evil bond and rub my swollen wrists, then take me prisoner to your will - enslaved in your safekeeping. O, God, who ushers light into the darkness, do not release me to the light only to see myself. Cast the light of my liberation upon your face and be thou my vision. Do not hand me over to the quest of greater knowledge. Make your word a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. O, God, who lifts the grieving head, blow away the ashes but let your gentle hand be upon my brow. Be my only crown of beauty. Comfort me so deeply, my Healer, that I seek no other comfort. O, God, who loves the human soul too much to let it go, so thoroughly impose yourself into the heaps and depths of my life that nothing remains undisturbed. Plow this life, Lord, until everything you overturn becomes a fertile soil. Then plant me O God, in the vast plain of your love. Grow me, strengthen me, and do not lift your pressing hand until it can boastfully unveil a display of your splendor."

These words have been my life song for over a year now. I can say with profound certainty that my God kept his promise to grow me and strengthen me. He has reminded me of promises he made and that for many, it is time for them to come to fruition. Not all of them are happening in the manner I envisioned, but nonetheless, God and I are going further still to reach them. I love the picture of God's hand gently pressing my brow, bringing me comfort and still, breathing life into a masterpiece. His touch entails so much.

Just for today, I will feel the warmth of God's embrace and know that I am a display of His splendor.