Gentleness

I often blog to share what I'm struggling with and what the Lord is teaching me. It has been my hope and prayer, with the growing number of people who follow this blog, that when you read it your head is nodding in relation. I laid in bed awake last night for awhile, thinking and praying. I have been keenly aware recently of how at peace I feel. What precipitated such peace? My surrender. As I looked back, I see that I resisted God and His leading, thus creating turmoil in my heart. My daily surrender has led me to let go of what I cannot control and seek God's wisdom in what I can. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am or the immense blessings that God has bestowed in my life.

I read Proverbs 15:1 this morning. Go read it. I will be seeing Kelly this morning. Without getting into massive details, he will be doing 18 months in community corrections. He is angry with me and in turn, his anger has spurred mine. Part of my lying awake last night centered around those circumstances. I woke up dreading having to talk to him. In my mind, I went through my rant and rave, plotting out what I might say. Well, after drudging downstairs, turning on the computer and staring at the daily scripture, God's voice was loud and clear. What my brother needs is gentility, not my anger. What purpose would it serve to lambaste him or take a position that might make him think I don't support him? It's hard for me to not act angry. Generally, my anger is a mask for deeper emotions. I often say "I'm not stubborn, I'm right." This really isn't time to be of that stance, is it?

God is faithful, is he not? His faithfulness continues in spite of our resistance. His love permeates in spite of our anger. His wisdom is available to all who seek it. Have a blessed day!

Love

I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving. I think apart from the idea that I am a sinner and God forgives me, this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. When you get it, it changes you. It changed me. God's love will never change us if we don't accept it.

It's taken me years to learn the lesson. Seasons of wandering off the path God intended for me, hating myself, and taking those around me into the vacuum of darkness. By all accounts and purposes, on the outside few would have known the inner turmoil raging in me. I was stamped and approved, singing my hymns on Sunday, spying the world around me and wondering if anyone else felt the same. The greatest lie I have ever had to contend with is that the universe revolves around me.

Was there a singular change that brought about my acceptance of God's grace and His unconditional love for me? I don't think so. I believe it was a series of moments great and small, starting as a teen working at a christian camp, through having my children and ultimately, hitting the bottom hard two years ago. The seed was planted at that camp as I watched others close to me see and know Christ. The seedling was grown as I marveled that my own children love me without thought or condition. I was changed forever when I awoke spiritually and emotionally after the ravage of addiction had taken hold of my soul. I heard the sound of chains breaking, the prison doors being demolished, and my heart made new with the ushering in of freedom. Beth Moore calls it breaking free. I broke free of the enemy's hold and ran into the arms of my Savior. I received His love and knew it was the truth of all truths. The voices that whispered to me in the dark were silenced when His love came in.

It's the simple things that change our lives.