Lisa Needs...

Okay, so my friend Heather (who is a regular blogger too) did this "needs" gig for a post not long ago. You go to the Google website, enter your name and then enter the word "needs" after it. You list the first 10 responses that come up. I nearly wet my pants from laughing so hard when I read mine. Here they are...

1. Lisa needs braces. I spent three years in those dang things. Yes three years, but that's because I skipped appointments all the time. Did I mention that I didn't wear my retainer after I got my braces off? My teeth shifted on the bottom and guess what, I need braces again! Who knew prophecy could appear on Google.
2. Lisa needs new concealer. Dude, I just bought new concealer and I'm allergic to it.
3. Lisa needs a new house. No sh** Sherlock. Although, one could derive a spiritual message from this. Not long ago I did need a new home and God provided a great one.
4. Lisa needs to be on "Big Brother." Right. I need that I like I need a hole in my head. I thought reality TV was a thing of the past. Apparently not.
5. Lisa needs to get a life. I can't respond to this.
6. Lisa needs new underwear. Did you know there is a lingerie designer named Lisa Norman?
7. Lisa needs to be useful, not popular. Can't I be both?
8. Lisa needs a personal chef. This directly relates to the 9th Lisa need...
9. Lisa needs to get back in skinny jeans. Need I say more?
10. Lisa needs to get drop kicked into this century. I'm a Norman, what can I say. My father still uses a wind-up clock because digital confuses him AND he still uses VHS. At least I am further along than that!

My personal favorite "need" is the skinny jeans. If I could just cease my addiction to ice-cream, chocolate, and Chick-Fil-A, I would be on my way.

Growing and growing

So, my return to choir wasn't well received by the choir-director. I can't even begin to tell you the emotion that's caused, along with some minor brain damage in thinking about it so much. Bottomline, God's will isn't black and white is it? Maybe it really is time to move on to a different church and begin anew. I think there is too much history there. Anyone in recovery knows and understands that our amend process involves protecting ourselves too. Totally there. I'm digging the self-preservation piece right now.

I'm not a perfect person and this past year I've certainly made my share of mistakes. I've really tried to own my stuff, seek forgiveness when I need to, offer and accept grace on a daily basis and just grow up. There is one relationship in my life particularly that has been unable to move forward. It's very disappointing and terribly hurtful for both of us. It didn't occur to me that perhaps the relationship could never recover. I feel (feel being the foundation of the following sentence) that no matter what I do, this person will always keep my past hanging over me. I've been accused of things that I didn't do and frankly, don't understand where this person's information is coming from. They sure as hell aren't talking to me, which just aggrivates the hell out of me. I've spent enough time being the bad guy. If that's all I'll ever be known as by this person, well then, move the f*ck on. Can you sense my anger? I'm tired of trying to be understood, I'm tired of hoping for this person's forgiveness and trust. By the way, I get that trust is earned. But it can never be restored if there is no opportunity given by the other party to restore it. What is so ambigious to me right now is where do you draw the line? When is enough, enough? This is one of those moments that I wish God used neon signs in my life. I'd really like to see one that flashes brightly and directs me one way or the other! I know Lord, a lot to ask.

I'm starting a Beth Moore bible study this next week and eager to see what God has in store. The past month has been pretty amazing overall. I continually step back and stand in awe at what God has been doing for me. What I love so much, or really have come to appreciate, is that His work hasn't been easy. I finally got off my butt and started living. It's been scary. My good friend (who happens to be my boss) has had to endure me crying a lot! God's blessings are abundant are they not? You know what I would really love? Many of my reader's e-mail me and have positive things to say. They encourage me regularly and pray continually. I would love for you guys to respond to this post via a comment or e-mail me, and share what God is doing in your life. How is He working, how is He showing himself? I think it would be a huge encouragement for us all.

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."
~ Ezekiel 36:26, NLT

Blue Like Jazz

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that, I liked jazz. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way..." Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz

A friend lent me the above book and this is the preface quote from the author. Obviously, it struck a note. I've said before that I've been a christian most of my life but feel as though the journey of faith began 18 months ago. I went to church this weekend. For those who don't know, I have been praying about finding a new church. The wake left behind as a result of my addiction ravaged many relationships within my church family. The pain on all sides has been tremendous. I wanted to leave, start over and begin anew. Deep in my heart, God was saying that leaving, while easy and convenient, was the cowardly thing to do. I told the Lord recently that I would be willing to do whatever He asked - willing to obey even if I didn't want to. I was put to the test. Everyday my devotions have spoken specifically to the issue of redemption, forgiveness, and the commitment to relationships within my life. I knew what God was asking me to do: stay Lisa, stay.

Last year I intended to return to choir. I thought I was ready and sat down with a number of friends explaining my journey of addiction, God's working and my desire to mend those relationships. In retrospect, I wasn't ready. While my apology was sincere, as was my desire to return to the flock, I had a great deal of growing to do. As is usual for me, I took on too much, too fast. Over this past year, the Lord has taught me about sustaining relationships that mean something. I have to be honest, to return to choir meant facing my fear. It meant facing the hurts of others and I wanted to run away. Yesterday morning, I stood in the choir loft amongst my family, worshiped Jesus and have never felt so right about something. It's time. I'm still growing and will be for the remainder of my days. Last year I felt so much shame - not now. I do not believe that our God is a God of shame. I can't begin to tell you the joy I experienced yesterday morning, as I stood there, not to be recognized, not to be seen by others or gain their acceptance. I stood there to show my love for Jesus, to serve Him, and to walk what He has been graciously teaching me.

Obedience is hard isn't it? Here is what I know to be true today. The act of obedience can pull our hearts in many directions, but the end result is that I grow closer to Christ. I learn and love His heart. I see His passion for me, His desire to see me become the woman He destined me to be. I feel like I'm starting to get it. I am willing to experience fear, pain, uncertainty head-on because I know who stands with me...it's not just 250 other people worshiping God, it is the Great I Am himself. How blessed I am to be loved. The magnitude of sacrifice displayed on the cross means something totally different to me today. He died for ME. His blood provided me salvation, provides me with hope. His blood has given me eternity. He has given me everything.

Christian Dior vs. Aveda

I've been a bit remiss in writing this past month. Life is insanely busy, but in a good way. God provided a catalyst for change that was uncomfortable, but in retrospect, totally necessary and I'm seeing the blessings even now. I'm loving my new job, although it takes me out of my comfort zone and into something new. You know how I am. I like to think I know most things. Well, in this industry my knowledge is limited and I find that frustrating sometimes. I do like the learning curve and I think everyday my abilities grow and grow. The other day a good friend of mine cut my hair. She said as we were finishing up, that she could see something changing in me for God's glory. I think I walked on the clouds the rest of the day. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God's power in my life. Most of the time, I have to just get out of my own way.

I'm in a safe place now and many feelings that I've been putting off are coming to the surface. I don't feel quite so ill-prepared, nor do I feel the enormous fear I felt even a month and a half ago. Grief has been a big one as of late. I think that grief is cleansing, but I have to tell you, it hurts like a mo-fo. God's been good to me again and again. Lately, he's been providing friends with similar beliefs and and a sense of humor that puts Richard Pryor to shame. I haven't laughed this much in ages! It's really adding to the lines around my eyes. Dude, I had to start investing in eye-cream and I don't mean the Walgreen's whatever is on clearance stuff. Hello Aveda. Hello Christian Dior. It helps, but the sudden awareness of aging is quite alarming. I pray that I'll have the glorious skin my Mom does. She kept Christian Dior in business for a long time!

Can I just mention I can't decide if the makers of Playstation should either receive a Nobel Prize or be knocked silly. I can hear three kids in the other room all fighting over who's winning, who's losing, and who basically has no skills about the game. This is all quickly followed by rousing cheers, hoops and hollers and laughter. I'm afraid to go in there. Yikes Batman.

I really have nothing profound to say today. I think my brain is on overload and I can't urp up any spiritual, funny or worthwhile comments! I'm still alive for those of you faithful in asking and yes, life has improved beyond my imagination. Thanks to all of you who have stood by me through all of this. You'll never understand what that has meant to me. Life changing is all I can say.