Recently, I read a prayer from Elisabeth Elliot. I was enamored with it, so I made it my own. "Lord, teach me to treat all that comes my way with the sensibility that you have ordained it. May such lessons spur peace of soul and with firm conviction, may I trust that your will governs all." My Lord, in His infinite humor and steadfast heart of teaching, decided it was time to put that prayer into practice.
To begin with, is that peace of soul something that has hallmarked my life? Honestly, no. I am most certainly one of those people who much prefers to be in the driver's seat. Generally, it's when life turns chaotic or painful that I seek God. This, of course, is not how He intended it to be. But, I am flawed and to say that I run to God amidst all things would be far from the truth. I have, however, lived in said peace long enough to know that it indeed can only come from God, who gives "not as the world gives."
A few months ago, the Lord laid a decision on my heart concerning my daughter Madilynn. Initially, I resisted his prodding to belay the claim I had on her. What claim you might ask? Well, without sucking you into the saga, I have not been the mother she deserves, nor have I been responsible or involved at a level that would warrant typical motherly claims. The Lord has provided immensely for her, giving her a Daddy who adores her and a step mom who has carefully reared this precious blessing in my absence. Could it be God's will that I should step back and give Madilynn, and her step mom, a much deserved gift? That gift would allow Madilynn to be adopted by her step mom. My conclusion is yes. But, arriving there led me down a path in which I had to own my shortcomings, and realize that to make up for them in a worldly sense, would take more than a lifetime. I do believe that His will governs all. In a wrong-filled world, we suffer...and we cause many wrongs. God is here to comfort, to heal, and to forgive. He can bring blessings in abundance out of our sin (which is to say we should enter into sinful behavior hoping blessings might surface down the road). I have been fortunate to encounter this again and again in my life.
I've thought a great deal about the love I have for Madilynn, the love I have for my Lord, yet the disdain I have held for myself over this situation. I wronged her, perhaps in ways she cannot yet understand. I am afraid that someday she will understand, yet I must cling to God's grace to face that day when and if it comes, believing that His will truly does govern all things. Dwelling on this love, I've been assured that love, as God designed it, is very patient, it is very kind. Love never seeks its own. Love looks to God for his grace to help.
Amidst this lesson, I've learned that in this heavenly curriculum, I have wanted to pick and choose the lessons as I see fit. I wish to assemble the curriculum according to my own preferences and areas of need that I perceive. The idea of what I actually need to learn are limited and even more distorted. What I seek from God, is help. Help me relinquish control. Help me love as you would see fit. Govern all of me. Mercifully, God does not leave me to choose my own curriculum. His wisdom is perfect, His knowledge embraces not only all worlds but the individual hearts and mind of each of His loved children. I must trust and believe that He will govern the lessons of my daughter as well. What I do know, is that there are lessons in this curriculum that I wish I could skip. But, I press on, seeking to do His will and apply His truth to my life. Today, I can stand and say what the psalmist said: "I, thy servant, will study your statutes. Your instruction is my continual delight, to it I turn for counsel. I will run the course set out in your commandments, for they bring joy to my heart." Psalm 119:23, 24, 32.
Today, with joy, I drink deeply from the fountain of salvation (Isaiah 12:3) and I dive into the well of instruction God deems for this lesson. With a heart of love, I know that giving Madilynn back to the arms of the Father and allowing Him to govern her life is a gift that cannot be put in a nice box with a bow. It can however, be delivered through the bending of my knees, the pushing aside of my own wants, and the ever fervent desire to do what is best for who I consider to be one of my greatest blessings.
Lord, I give you thanks for your mercy and bringing forth the sweet peace of being in your will.
