I don't have anything profound to say, except that my family (well, Kelly, Mom and Garrett) are all here. We'll be spending the weekend together having a great time. I was all stressed out about some ridiculous crap over the week, particularly today. My doctor called to bitch me out regarding a situation she has no business saying anything but "Are you okay? How can we help." Or "sorry, that must have sucked." She felt compulsed to drone on and on about a subject she's clueless about. Anyway, it pushed a BIG button and I was all wrapped up in it. Then I realized I was renting head space to someone who doesn't belong there. A healthy nap, cookies, reading the text and the book of book, and time alone fixed it. I'm a much better person now.
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude as I spend time with my family. First, my brother Kell is in a good place. He's the clean Kelly who makes me laugh so hard I either pee my pants or spew milk out my nose. He's also the one guy on this earth who gets me, loves me, understands the addiction bit, and never judges me. He's just a big brother who loves his baby sister.
And then there's Garrett, who's new thing is watching the weather channel. It's hilarious. Yesterday, he watched the Seattle area, where a large portion of my family remains. He HAD to call Sha-Sha (my Grandmother) and warn her that there were dangerous thunderstorms coming her direction. Does she have a closet to hide in asked the six year old. He was very serious and I was trying not to erupt in uncontrollable laughter. His seriousness was followed shortly with a noxious fart. All is well in Garrett's world. He could be the next Al Roker you know. Except he's white...and cute....I'll stop there.
And my Mom. She's just being herself and I love it. We laid on her bed to take a nap. Mistake. We talked, I wiggled, she snores, so finally I left. I love my Mom. She's so real, so loving to me and never gives up even when I screw up. She gets the badge and ticker-tape parade for being just a really nice woman. She loves God with all her heart too. She's a superstar.
I'm off to bed.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
NASA
What a week. Sometimes I really love the fact that God continually speaks to me and other times I'd really rather act like a four year old with plugged ears. God was especially poignant this past week, particularly yesterday as I sat through a meeting. The topic was surrender, which of course I'd laid awake the night before with a huge sense of wonderment at the fact I just can't seem to master this subject...nor have I put forth continued effort that creates lasting change. I've always prided myself on being a "fighter" and saw surrender to anything or anyone as giving up that fact. So, this woman from the rooms asked me a great question after the meeting that put the concept of surrender in terms I understand, relate to, and desire to please God in. Imagine that. She was telling me about her very first go around with the first step (for readers unfamiliar, the 1st step is admitting we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable...easy enough, right?). Her sponsor asked her what the opposite of unmanageable meant. Side note: those of us within in NA are rocket scientists - something's meaning is generally the opposite of it. She responded, logically, that the opposite of unmanageable was manageable. Her sponsor's thoughtful response was simply, MM no. In general, addicts are especially proficient at unmanageable. We thrive on chaos, live for drama, and are generally addicted to most people, places and things. Manageable is mediocre at best. We deserve more. I deserve more. I believe, as her sponsor did, that God intends more for us. Eventually, as she worked this step (and so graciously shared that work with me), she found that the opposite of unmanageable was harmony. To live in harmony with others, with God, with myself. Ha! I get it! Suddenly, surrender doesn't look so daunting, so unreachable. I just have to get out of my own way.
I watched a profound and extremely well done documentary last night on Discovery "In The Shadow of The Moon." It was about the United States accomplishment of landing on the moon via Apollo 11. It followed the lives of those astronauts, along with the ensuing four missions in the following years. I was captivated. I'm not a space geek and really don't understand the whole physics gig, but I love documentaries, love Ron Howard and so forth. Gene Cernan, a NASA pilot/Apollo 11 and 17 member, stated that there was a moment, in the shadow of the moon, that held such ecstasy and excitement, followed by an incredible feeling of a power so much greater than himself. He remarked what a life changing experience it was and that his view of terrestrial relationships, the state of the world, religion - everything was seemingly changed forever. In short, he became a believer. He saw harmony, he lived it and has carried it's message since. At 26,000 mph, a one hundred percent oxygen environment and in a little metal carrier that would go down in flames with the smallest spark, he saw God, he surrendered, he knew in his heart that he had purpose. While NASA rewarded him with a ticker-tape parade and a little patch, God gave him lasting hope, unending grace, and a pretty sweet retirement package that goes on for eternity.
Buzz Alderin said that in the final moments just before the lunar module landed on the face of the moon for the first time, both he and cool-headed Neil Armstrong lost faith in hopes of landing, as the terrain was so jagged. He noted that in guiding the vessel, they faced four simple options: pitch right, pitch left, pitch back, pitch forward. The first three made viewing outside terrain impossible. You went from 100% visibility to zero. If, however, you pitched just slightly forward and kept going, the lunar module maintained course and visibility was 360 degrees with complete visibility. While I believe his statement was not meant to be spiritual, I couldn't help but be blown away by the concept and it's simple relation to my life. Long live NASA, long live the message of hope I received, and long live basic cable.
I watched a profound and extremely well done documentary last night on Discovery "In The Shadow of The Moon." It was about the United States accomplishment of landing on the moon via Apollo 11. It followed the lives of those astronauts, along with the ensuing four missions in the following years. I was captivated. I'm not a space geek and really don't understand the whole physics gig, but I love documentaries, love Ron Howard and so forth. Gene Cernan, a NASA pilot/Apollo 11 and 17 member, stated that there was a moment, in the shadow of the moon, that held such ecstasy and excitement, followed by an incredible feeling of a power so much greater than himself. He remarked what a life changing experience it was and that his view of terrestrial relationships, the state of the world, religion - everything was seemingly changed forever. In short, he became a believer. He saw harmony, he lived it and has carried it's message since. At 26,000 mph, a one hundred percent oxygen environment and in a little metal carrier that would go down in flames with the smallest spark, he saw God, he surrendered, he knew in his heart that he had purpose. While NASA rewarded him with a ticker-tape parade and a little patch, God gave him lasting hope, unending grace, and a pretty sweet retirement package that goes on for eternity.
Buzz Alderin said that in the final moments just before the lunar module landed on the face of the moon for the first time, both he and cool-headed Neil Armstrong lost faith in hopes of landing, as the terrain was so jagged. He noted that in guiding the vessel, they faced four simple options: pitch right, pitch left, pitch back, pitch forward. The first three made viewing outside terrain impossible. You went from 100% visibility to zero. If, however, you pitched just slightly forward and kept going, the lunar module maintained course and visibility was 360 degrees with complete visibility. While I believe his statement was not meant to be spiritual, I couldn't help but be blown away by the concept and it's simple relation to my life. Long live NASA, long live the message of hope I received, and long live basic cable.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Addict in Chief
First of all, I love the NY Times. Secondly, I'm so glad that there is a coming election. I pray for real change in our oil-addicted lives. The proposed energy plan will make it affordable for every american to use natural and alternative sources of fuel and stop our addiction to forgien oil. You can find this article at nytimes.com. Remember, this is my opinion, if you do not share it, that's okay. I have never left a politically charged post, but thought this was worth it. I'll have a personal one coming shortly.
Mr. Bush, Lead or Leave
Addict-in-Chief
By THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN
Published: June 22, 2008
Two years ago, President Bush declared that America was “addicted to oil,” and, by gosh, he was going to do something about it. Well, now he has. Now we have the new Bush energy plan: “Get more addicted to oil.”
Actually, it’s more sophisticated than that: Get Saudi Arabia, our chief oil pusher, to up our dosage for a little while and bring down the oil price just enough so the renewable energy alternatives can’t totally take off. Then try to strong arm Congress into lifting the ban on drilling offshore and in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
It’s as if our addict-in-chief is saying to us: “C’mon guys, you know you want a little more of the good stuff. One more hit, baby. Just one more toke on the ole oil pipe. I promise, next year, we’ll all go straight. I’ll even put a wind turbine on my presidential library. But for now, give me one more pop from that drill, please, baby. Just one more transfusion of that sweet offshore crude.”
It is hard for me to find the words to express what a massive, fraudulent, pathetic excuse for an energy policy this is. But it gets better. The president actually had the gall to set a deadline for this drug deal:
“I know the Democratic leaders have opposed some of these policies in the past,” Mr. Bush said. “Now that their opposition has helped drive gas prices to record levels, I ask them to reconsider their positions. If Congressional leaders leave for the Fourth of July recess without taking action, they will need to explain why $4-a-gallon gasoline is not enough incentive for them to act.”
This from a president who for six years resisted any pressure on Detroit to seriously improve mileage standards on its gas guzzlers; this from a president who’s done nothing to encourage conservation; this from a president who has so neutered the Environmental Protection Agency that the head of the E.P.A. today seems to be in a witness-protection program. I bet there aren’t 12 readers of this newspaper who could tell you his name or identify him in a police lineup.
But, most of all, this deadline is from a president who hasn’t lifted a finger to broker passage of legislation that has been stuck in Congress for a year, which could actually impact America’s energy profile right now — unlike offshore oil that would take years to flow — and create good tech jobs to boot.
That bill is H.R. 6049 — “The Renewable Energy and Job Creation Act of 2008,” which extends for another eight years the investment tax credit for installing solar energy and extends for one year the production tax credit for producing wind power and for three years the credits for geothermal, wave energy and other renewables.
These critical tax credits for renewables are set to expire at the end of this fiscal year and, if they do, it will mean thousands of jobs lost and billions of dollars of investments not made. “Already clean energy projects in the U.S. are being put on hold,” said Rhone Resch, president of the Solar Energy Industries Association.
People forget, wind and solar power are here, they work, they can go on your roof tomorrow. What they need now is a big U.S. market where lots of manufacturers have an incentive to install solar panels and wind turbines — because the more they do, the more these technologies would move down the learning curve, become cheaper and be able to compete directly with coal, oil and nuclear, without subsidies.
That seems to be exactly what the Republican Party is trying to block, since the Senate Republicans — sorry to say, with the help of John McCain — have now managed to defeat the renewal of these tax credits six different times.
Of course, we’re going to need oil for years to come. That being the case, I’d prefer — for geopolitical reasons — that we get as much as possible from domestic wells. But our future is not in oil, and a real president wouldn’t be hectoring Congress about offshore drilling today. He’d be telling the country a much larger truth:
“Oil is poisoning our climate and our geopolitics, and here is how we’re going to break our addiction: We’re going to set a floor price of $4.50 a gallon for gasoline and $100 a barrel for oil. And that floor price is going to trigger massive investments in renewable energy — particularly wind, solar panels and solar thermal. And we’re also going to go on a crash program to dramatically increase energy efficiency, to drive conservation to a whole new level and to build more nuclear power. And I want every Democrat and every Republican to join me in this endeavor.”
That’s what a real president would do. He’d give us a big strategic plan to end our addiction to oil and build a bipartisan coalition to deliver it. He certainly wouldn’t be using his last days in office to threaten Congressional Democrats that if they don’t approve offshore drilling by the Fourth of July recess, they will be blamed for $4-a-gallon gas. That is so lame. That is an energy policy so unworthy of our Independence Day.
Mr. Bush, Lead or Leave
Addict-in-Chief
By THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN
Published: June 22, 2008
Two years ago, President Bush declared that America was “addicted to oil,” and, by gosh, he was going to do something about it. Well, now he has. Now we have the new Bush energy plan: “Get more addicted to oil.”
Actually, it’s more sophisticated than that: Get Saudi Arabia, our chief oil pusher, to up our dosage for a little while and bring down the oil price just enough so the renewable energy alternatives can’t totally take off. Then try to strong arm Congress into lifting the ban on drilling offshore and in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
It’s as if our addict-in-chief is saying to us: “C’mon guys, you know you want a little more of the good stuff. One more hit, baby. Just one more toke on the ole oil pipe. I promise, next year, we’ll all go straight. I’ll even put a wind turbine on my presidential library. But for now, give me one more pop from that drill, please, baby. Just one more transfusion of that sweet offshore crude.”
It is hard for me to find the words to express what a massive, fraudulent, pathetic excuse for an energy policy this is. But it gets better. The president actually had the gall to set a deadline for this drug deal:
“I know the Democratic leaders have opposed some of these policies in the past,” Mr. Bush said. “Now that their opposition has helped drive gas prices to record levels, I ask them to reconsider their positions. If Congressional leaders leave for the Fourth of July recess without taking action, they will need to explain why $4-a-gallon gasoline is not enough incentive for them to act.”
This from a president who for six years resisted any pressure on Detroit to seriously improve mileage standards on its gas guzzlers; this from a president who’s done nothing to encourage conservation; this from a president who has so neutered the Environmental Protection Agency that the head of the E.P.A. today seems to be in a witness-protection program. I bet there aren’t 12 readers of this newspaper who could tell you his name or identify him in a police lineup.
But, most of all, this deadline is from a president who hasn’t lifted a finger to broker passage of legislation that has been stuck in Congress for a year, which could actually impact America’s energy profile right now — unlike offshore oil that would take years to flow — and create good tech jobs to boot.
That bill is H.R. 6049 — “The Renewable Energy and Job Creation Act of 2008,” which extends for another eight years the investment tax credit for installing solar energy and extends for one year the production tax credit for producing wind power and for three years the credits for geothermal, wave energy and other renewables.
These critical tax credits for renewables are set to expire at the end of this fiscal year and, if they do, it will mean thousands of jobs lost and billions of dollars of investments not made. “Already clean energy projects in the U.S. are being put on hold,” said Rhone Resch, president of the Solar Energy Industries Association.
People forget, wind and solar power are here, they work, they can go on your roof tomorrow. What they need now is a big U.S. market where lots of manufacturers have an incentive to install solar panels and wind turbines — because the more they do, the more these technologies would move down the learning curve, become cheaper and be able to compete directly with coal, oil and nuclear, without subsidies.
That seems to be exactly what the Republican Party is trying to block, since the Senate Republicans — sorry to say, with the help of John McCain — have now managed to defeat the renewal of these tax credits six different times.
Of course, we’re going to need oil for years to come. That being the case, I’d prefer — for geopolitical reasons — that we get as much as possible from domestic wells. But our future is not in oil, and a real president wouldn’t be hectoring Congress about offshore drilling today. He’d be telling the country a much larger truth:
“Oil is poisoning our climate and our geopolitics, and here is how we’re going to break our addiction: We’re going to set a floor price of $4.50 a gallon for gasoline and $100 a barrel for oil. And that floor price is going to trigger massive investments in renewable energy — particularly wind, solar panels and solar thermal. And we’re also going to go on a crash program to dramatically increase energy efficiency, to drive conservation to a whole new level and to build more nuclear power. And I want every Democrat and every Republican to join me in this endeavor.”
That’s what a real president would do. He’d give us a big strategic plan to end our addiction to oil and build a bipartisan coalition to deliver it. He certainly wouldn’t be using his last days in office to threaten Congressional Democrats that if they don’t approve offshore drilling by the Fourth of July recess, they will be blamed for $4-a-gallon gas. That is so lame. That is an energy policy so unworthy of our Independence Day.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Never Alone, Never Again.
It's been a few weeks since I've written. Much has been going on in my life. I went to a meeting last night and I was the girl sitting in the back of the room with her arms crossed, eyeing the others, ungrateful, and so wanting to be elsewhere. I have to change my clean date. It's taken me awhile to admit this and I've not verbalized it to anyone. I used to be one of the people in the rooms who thought I could stay clean the first time around. I took the suggestions, got a sponsor, started doing the work, went to meetings, but internally I was a raging wildfire fanning the flames with lots of reservations. Reservations you ask? Not if God is real, but does he work? Can this program and these steps really reveal another way to live without drugs? Can I really share my secrets with my sponsor and other women in recovery? Am I really an addict? I didn't work through these reservations, which in the greater picture meant I didn't and would not completely surrender. It took not only hitting the bottom, but the bottom dropping out, that I've come to understand the nature of surrender. I also better understand that the nature of addiction is compelled to rebel against continued recovery.
I've felt like such a failure. A massive disappointment to all in my life, especially my family. My "aha" moment came this weekend when I realized that others are not the barometer of my success. I am on the journey of self-acceptance. I thought about my God, who gave what meant most to him. A man on a cross, arms open to anyone willing to come. One hand reaching back to the past, the other reaching toward the future, with forgiveness, grace and love just for me. To God, I am no disappointment. He reminded me that being human isn't a character defect! And yes, I maybe a failure in the eyes of others, but to my Lord, I am simply his child. Today, that is enough for me.
Never alone, never again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
