The Rate of Inflation for Teeth

Big news in the Norman House! Garrett lost his first tooth tonight. It's been loose forever and he has been so patient in waiting for it to be ready to come out (last night I nearly gagged during snuggle time when he kept wiggling it back and forth...you know that gritty sound...and up with dinner). Here's the down-low on the teeth.

Garrett: "Mom, is my tooth loose enough?"

Mom: "Let me see."

Garrett: wiggle, wiggle, gritty-gross sound.

Mom: "I'm gonna hurl homeslice if you don't stop that sound."

Garrett: "You're a drama queen Mom."

Mom: "Do you even know what a drama queen is?"

Garrett: "Of course, I'm 7 you know."

Mom: "Yes, I know."

Garrett: "Hey Mom? Is the tooth fairy a boy or a girl?"

Mom: "I don't know. What do you think?"

Garrett: "I think it's a girl. Boys can't be fairies."

Stifled laughter. I can barely contain myself...boys can't be fairies.

Side note: conversation with Papa ensues and the question is raised "Papa, how much did the tooth fairy leave you when you were a kid?

Papa: "Uh. Well, I was born in 1944..."

Mom: "Oh, here we go."

Papa: "I think it left me .50 cents or a dollar maybe. But then again you have to take into account inflation."

More stifled laughter. If you're a Republican, it's closer to .50 cents. If you're a Democrat, swing wide. Does anyone have Alan Greenspan on speed-dial?

Garrett: "Papa, the tooth fairy sounds like a cheap-skate."

Mom and Nana are looking at each other and mouthing nonsense to figure out how much cash we have between us.

Garrett: "Mom, you need to leave the tooth fairy a note to tell her to leave more than what Papa got in 1944. By the way, how long ago was 1944?"

Mom: "Closer to when dinosaurs walked the earth I think."

Garrett (out-loud): "I didn't know you could be that old."

Snickering Mother can only utter "He remembers the discovery of oil."

Garrett: "Will the tooth fairy come when a kid is this excited?"

Mom: "YES! And the tooth fairy is so happy you lost your tooth (he's the last kid in his class by the way). Just imagine, she's out there flying around, just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can work her magic."

Garrett: "I hope her magic is more than a dollar."

My son, the future Economics major and his in-debt Mom trying to figure inflation, the cost of a first tooth, supply and demand. Nana and I agreed to two dollars, allowing us room for expansion at a later date.

Moonless Seas

One simple word seems to sum my existence right now - tired. I got pneumonia right after my glorious nose surgery (and no, for the many who have asked I did not get a nose job. In fact, I had a pretty perfect nose to say the least. I can't say if it will be the same ever again, just wiping it bring tears to my eyes), and it has made a comeback in the past few days. While it's not serious by any means, my body is simply worn out. I made it to about 8:30 last night and was in bed before CSI was on. Another reason I praise God for On Demand. The marvels of modern technology!

Anyway, my tired state in part is due to the emotional roller-coaster I've been living on. My Mom has put her house on the market and her immanent departure back to Seattle is on the compass. Admittedly, I am scared that indeed she will return to Washington. While my Mom and I have had our issues, she's my Mom and her leaving would put me in Colorado alone. I can barely go there - this is a big issue that also involves Garrett, so my heartstrings have been pulled and my hands are in the air. While a relatively familiar position, it remains uncomfortable. It seems that often I'd rather be carrying an arm full of stones, than wait on God. Like I mentioned the other day, waiting appears to be exactly where He desires for me to be. It feels like I've taken my hands off the steering wheel (which anyone knowing me would say that's a good thing) and I'm going mach-90 with my hair on fire. While it may be amusing for some to watch, to me I feel like I'm living on the brink, so to speak.

My brother is safe, praise God, but he is clearly not okay. I am sad about this, as over the past several years, it seems that I'm the only one able to reach parts of his heart. Even then, I have sensed there a large territory that only God can navigate. I feel helpless and wish more than I can describe, that I could shoulder the burden. By every account, my brother is my very best friend and understands parts of me that no other has been able to. I believe, well I know, this is mutual. Perhaps it's because we're siblings, raised in the same house under the same rules, or because our demons are not that different. All in all, I think it's the sum total of all things and that comprehension brings with it relation that few are in the company of. I'm relieved he is safe, but the torment of his emotions is obvious to me and to watch that ship get tossed about on the high seas is almost unbearable. Is this Christ giving me a watchful eye on what has been His portion over the years and His torment in watching me toss about? I remember years ago being taught a lesson about navigating on moonless seas (thank you Elisabeth Elliot and her incredible perception). Some days the compass works, we feel one with our creator and all is in harmony. Other days, the sea's are moonless, the way dark, and we feel alone. No matter the condition, God remains by our side and even in the darkness, we are never alone. Sometime, I think, He breaks our compass so we turn to face the wind, arms raised in the air, so that the Great Navigator can take hold of the wheel, right our direction and bring us out of the White Squall. Praise life in the dinghy.

Well, life beckons and the microwave just beeped for a gourmet meal. Until my compass turns, I remain watchful of the horizon and hopeful that not all is lost.

Why I Get Angry

Wow, life has been happening fast. I feel heavy-hearted tonight for a lot of reasons. My brother went back out this weekend and showed up today. I feel sad for him, and even a bit of anger, however, I know the darkness well that pulls him. Sometimes looking at him is like looking in a mirror. Got to love that.

I'm in the midst of the process of military acceptance. We have a few medical things to clear up. If those are accepted, then I'm in. Holy buckets. I think it's a really good thing on so many levels. It will be hard. I am frustrated by how long the process takes. I'd rather be done with it and know one way for certain. God is keeping me waiting really. Waiting on Him. I'm not very good with that. I wish I could say that patience was my strong suit. Yeah, not happening.

I read a really interesting part of the book I mentioned earlier Blue Like Jazz. "Why I get angry when I go to church. It doesn't do any good to bash churches, so I am not making blanket statements against the church as a whole. I have only been involved in a few churches, but I had the same tension with each of them; that's the only reason I bring it up. Here are the things I didn't like about churches I went to. First: I felt like people were trying to sell me Jesus. I was a salesman for a while, and we were taught that you are supposed to point out all the benefits of a product when you are selling it. That is how I felt about some of the preachers I heard speak. They were always pointing out the benefits of Christian faith. That rubbed me wrong. It's not that there aren't benefits, there are, but did they have to talk about spirituality like it's a vacuum cleaner? I never felt like Jesus was a product. I wanted Him to be a person. Not only that, but they were always pointing out how great the specific church was. The bulletin read like a brochure for Amway. There always saying how life-changing some conference was going to be. Life-changing? What does that mean? It sounded very suspicious. I wish they would just tell it to me straight rather than trying to sell me on everything. I felt like I was bombarded with commercials all week and then went to church on Sunday and got even more. And yet another thing about the churches I went to: They seemed to be parrots for the Republican Party. Do we have to tow the party line on every single issue? Are the Republicans that perfect? I felt like, in order to be part of the family, I had to think George W. Bush was Jesus. And I didn't. I didn't think that Jesus really agreed with a lot of the policies of the Republican Party or for that matter the Democratic Party. I felt like Jesus was a religious figure, not a political figure. I heard my pastor say once, when there were only a few of us standing around, that hated Bill Clinton. I can understand not liking Clinton's policies, but I want my spirituality to rid me of hate, not give me more reason for it. I couldn't deal with that. That is the main reason I walked away. I felt like, by going to this particular church, I was a pawn for the Republicans. Meanwhile, the Republicans did not give a crap about the causes of Christ....The truth is we are supposed to LOVE the hippies, the liberals, and even the democrats, and that God wants us to think of them as more important than ourselves. Anything short of this is not true to the teachings of the gospels." The author goes and and at the end of the chapter I sighed in relief. Not relief that the reading was over, but that another human being put into words my exact feelings. This author speaks to the truth and power of the gospels and how by-in-large we as Christians just don't get it. He challenged himself to do what the gospels say: feed the hungry, shelter those without homes and befriend on a sincere level, those that society finds less-lovable. How this simple practice changed his life. I have to admit, I want to do the same thing. The issue for me is that while I have passion for Christ (he likens passion to pouring gasoline in a tank for a car with no wheels...it's belief in action that makes changes), if I were totally honest everyday I act like I am the most important person in the universe. I live out my true beliefs. Whooooo. Praise God that He changes us and Praise God that I finally found the sense to ask for the right kinds of changes.

Anyway, that's my bit for today. I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I got pneumonia right after the nose surgery and think it has not entirely resolved. I am so exhausted and my chest feels like someone is crushing it. Comfy.
Blessings to all!

Faith is the first step...

"By His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the One who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence." II Peter 1:3

Everyday I receive an e-mail with the daily encouraging word from KLOVE. If you don't get it, I highly recommend you visit their website and sign up. It's made a huge difference in my life and has grown my hunger for God's word. This particular scripture really struck me. Honestly, I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself and when I read that God has already given me everything I need to live a godly life, I almost passed out. I kept thinking "How could you have given me everything I need for this? I feel lacking in so many areas. God, what am I missing?" I do believe that I'm one of those people who prays and God answers quickly and in such a way that I generally know it's Him. This is no exception. "Beloved, do you remember when you came to know me all those years ago? Do you recall the change in your heart - even now, I'm taking out the stony heart and replacing it with one of tenderness and passion for me. Do you have your own Damascus experience and have forgotten the power I demonstrated to bring you unto me?" No Lord, I haven't forgotten, I've just let it's power diminish and put you in the corner for awhile. My Damascus experience wasn't when I was a little girl. I came to know Christ at a very young age in my bathtub. It wasn't because of what I heard in Sunday school or what the cool kids were doing. Truly, God's voice spoke to me and I knew then that I was meant to be His. However, my Damascus experience has been over the past 18 months or so. Martin Luther King once said that faith is taking the first step, even when we can't see the entire staircase. I have to agree and say that I'm not sure I've ever seen the whole staircase, nor would God want me to as it would lessen my reliance on Him.

In Paul's conversion moments, I wonder if he thought that life would be okay down the road. He knew he had been changed, he knew he wanted to share that change with anyone he could. But in his heart, was there peace, was there a confidence in God's sovereignty and provisions for his life? Perhaps this is exactly why Paul spent time alone and in the quiet shortly after his conversion. God asked him to study His word and quiet himself. In that time, I believe all that Paul needed to live a godly life was given abundantly to him. Why should I be any different?

My sponsor called me last night and we finally had a chance to talk about the craziness that I call my life. She made a very simple yet profound statement that reached a dark place in my heart. "Lisa, you will be okay. God will take care of you." When I speak of that dark place, I think everyone has it. Some may live their lives with it never really awakened. For me, active addiction was the dark place lashing out. Many times I wanted to die, for the misery that was my life to simply end. Today, I am able to say that I wish to live - and for a purpose that entails a great deal. I actually believe I will be okay and that God is God. He will take care of me simply because of his marvelous glory and excellence. He loves me. I am His child, His beloved, the cry of His heart. My Damascus experience is teaching me that indeed God is my beloved, the passion of my life and the reason I open my eyes everyday. What is happening around and in me is truly for HIS glory. Yes, my character grows as a result of it, but really, it's to demonstrate the power of God. It amazes me that He chose me, He called me by name, He knows my every step.

Fairest God, my faith is small and my heart fragile, but I believe you have indeed given me all that is required to live a godly life. Just for today, empower me to live in such a manner as to please you and delight your heart. For in your delight is my delight. In your love, I have found the greatest love of my own.

Conflicted

To say I've been remiss in writing is a bit of an understatement. Yes, life has been happening (much to my dismay most days), mixed with a little drama and a whole lot of change. The result, blogging has been low on the priority list. In part, much of what has been happening in my head and heart has been too much to verbalize in any sort of manner that would not only make sense, but even be relateable to those of you who faithfully read this blog.

I was resentful for a period of time over some circumstances, but now am coming out the other side, able to own my part and deflect the crap of others for them to deal with on their own. Deflecting has been a big problem for me. Perhaps it's this crazy idea that not only do I have to be right, I have to make my truth heard by everyone within earshot. Without getting into major specifics (breaching the confidentiality of others), I found myself without a job and the place I was staying at turned out to be not entirely the best for all of us. For those of you who don't know, I did have to have surgery mid-September and my jackass doctor thought putting me on major meds was a good idea. My part - I didn't say no and "what have you been smoking that makes you think I should EVER take the particular medication that has led me down the path of self destruction?" Instead, I filled the prescription but did give it to someone else to dispense to me. I was accused of abusing them, which I did not, but recognize that my head was in total active addiction. Being a perfectionist on all fronts, I was devastated. What I realize in hindsight is that I was incredibly depressed prior to this and instead of seeing that and taking action, I did what is natural to me - I isolated and hid out wherever I could. The cost was huge. Last week I had to really feel my emotions, justified or not, and let them be what they were. It was hard and Kleenex made a lot of money off me! I feel so much more motivated today to change some BIG things in my life and even am starting to feel gratitude for the events of the past 8 weeks. Never thought that would come out of my mouth. And as an FYI, I'm not taking meds now. I came off of them and realize that I can never go down that path again, surgery or not.

God has been ever faithful, and a long-time friend is letting me crash at her place. She's one of those friends that you can not talk to for weeks at a time, yet when you get together you pick up right where you left off. She is also the least judgemental person I've ever known and she just takes me where I'm at. The other great thing about her is that she has boundaries and sticks to them. I don't feel enabled in anyway, and in fact have some discomfort (not related to my relationship to her, but really the circumstances I now find myself in), which I've decided for me is a fantastic motivator. Amazing how God works, and His workings are specific to each of us. Anyway, I feel blessed that she is so willing to help. I also feel blessed to have spent a few days just hanging out with a good friend. What I really love about our relationship is that I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, or the good christian, or whatever. I'm just Lisa and that's good enough. Yes, the spiritual parallel behind that is massive and I get it.

I'm looking at a really big decision for my life right now. I've toyed with an idea for several months, but the change would be crazy bordering on upside down, but the benefit is that it provides long-term stability, amongst other things. I can be a disciplined person and can be submissive, but it's been a long time since I've had to be that way. This choice would force me in a short period of time to be both. One of my concerns is that it would involve moving from place to place (if you haven't figured this out I'm thinking of joining the military) and that would uproot Garrett. How do I manage being a single parent with a child who has special needs and advance career-wise? I've talked with my Mom about it and she actually supports the idea. Initially, Garrett would remain with her until I was settled and knew what was coming. And she expressed that if I had to go overseas, of course she would take care of him. That's a relief. I think what scares me most is the initial part of joining the military...getting up at the crack of dawn, 3 minutes to shower, and really being in great physical shape. I'm a fairly athletic person, but honestly, I've sat on my butt for awhile now! I imagine I would need a few weeks before basic training to get my body back into the swing of the physical demands I know will be required. I feel a bit confused. The unemployment rate in Colorado is high and finding a job is difficult. In the short-term I could wait tables or work at Starbucks, and look for a "real" job in the meantime. But even in a few months, where does that put me? Renting a room from someone, not being able to provide for Garrett the way I think he should be provided for, yet still steps ahead of where I am now. Does this make any sense to anyone? If you're reading this and have thoughts, please give me feedback.

I'm really trying to be the woman I know God wants me to be. I've also realized that mistakes are a part of the process. If I live in them, I become paralyzed and change doesn't happen. When I see the part of Lisa that is exactly what God desires, I feel exhilarated, excited that His work is shining through me. I've gotten over if others see it or not. I was enslaved to that way of thinking for 30 years. It mattered beyond measure what others thought of me...do they like me, am I good enough, would someone love me just because? It feels like I've shed that unhealthy mindset and now am working on the self-acceptance piece and really don't give a rip of you like me or not. What matters is that God is pleased with my heart and actions and that I can love who I am (with all my character defects included). It's pretty liberating to say the least.

I could keep writing, but Garrett is home sick today and asking me for a snack. Motherhood beckons and snuggle time is around the corner. Can I just say that having my son tell me how much he loves me, that I'm the best Mom and his best friend is the best balm for my hurts? Sometimes I feel like his love is God tangibly showing me the spiritual love He has for me. Too cool.