I have to admit I've been struggling so much the past few days. Many may not know that my brother Kelly is an addict and got into addiction at the age of 11. He's not been clean since. I got a call Friday that he said he was ready to deal with this and could I help. When I got sick in 2004 I became addicted to painkillers, so I get what his journey has been like (to a degree - pill head and street drugs are very different lives). Anyway, I jumped and said yes. I spent the next several days trying to get him safe and into treatment. Road block after road block and I was clutching on to this whole thing not surrendering to God. I was like one of my kids who has something they shouldn't and Mommy asks them to give it to her. What I get is a closed hand that looks like a clenched fist and I have to pry each finger open to get what's inside. That was me for several days regarding Kelly and recovery. Well, he bolted last night. Let me back up. Our whole family gave funds for a motel, food, on and on. I took him all over BFE yesterday as the treatment center he wants to go to has a long list of requirements (including a TB test oddly enough). I didn't know where he would stay for two more nights (they can get him in Thursday), called my father and begged if he would help. Kelly called a friend and said she was going to let him stay two nights and so on. So I call last night to talk to him and find out that he lied to me. She never said he could stay. Long story short, he made it back to the motel. This is where the lesson of boundaries had to hit me in the head. I realized that I was doing all these things with the expectation that Kelly would get clean. Well, that is my want and perhaps not his. He surfaced today and I told him that the rest is up to him. Part of recovery is being willing to go to any lengths to get it. I was going to all lengths I could think of and letting him off the hook. Oops. It felt like not only did I get kicked in the head, the a**, but really in the heart.
I prayed long and hard last night about all of this. NOTE: I've been a basket case. God reminded me of that passage of scripture that promises we are on the wings of the Most High and find refuge in him. I was trying to find refuge in controlling things. NOTE: that doesn't work. It's been a good lesson, just a tough one. I'm not afraid to bear my hurts, my scars or bruises, because I know what the balm of Gilead feels like.
Garrett went to Avid for Adventure today. Can you imagine a child who can't walk rock climbing and then repelling down? HE DID IT! I was so proud. He also got to ride a bike with four wheels, which he thought was the coolest thing. You know one of God's greatest gifts in Garrett's Cerebral Palsy? Other kids adore him, I mean, they're nuts over him (especially the girls). I was so worried in the beginning that no one at school would accept him, love him, or be his friend. Now I worry that a fight doesn't break out over who gets to push his wheelchair. God always makes a way does he not? Too cool.
The picture above is not Garrett (my boy is way cuter), just what I imagine he must have looked like!
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