Obrigado (gratefulness)

I have the coolest thing ever to share! As many of you know I've been staying with my Mom. As with most family relationships I think we fell into old patterns and for me, one of my greatest character defects of entitlement reared it's ugly little head...a lot. On Friday morning, she came into my room at 9:30 a.m. and said she could no longer live with me and that I had to get out NOW. I was totally dismayed, ticked off like you couldn't imagine and so enraged. I began packing my things, which was a disaster by the way and was gone within a little over an hour. I have to be honest and say I wanted to get high so bad I could hardly see straight. Praise God I didn't, it truly was because of God's grace. Anyway, I drove around aimlessly, crying, screaming, you name it. I don't have a cell phone, so I couldn't call anyone. I finally decided that I would have to sleep in my car and figure things out on Saturday. I drove to our church (and if you attend my church and are reading this, don't you dare tell anyone I did this) and parked in the back of the lot, crawled in the backseat and tried to sleep. Of course, I didn't get a wink, but decided I would go back to my Mom's the next day, ask to use the phone and take a shower. I showed up and she agreed to let me do that. My brother got on the Internet and tried to find emergency shelters and such. Okay, can I just add here that all two of them in the state of Colorado were closed until Monday. What do they think, people don't end up homeless on the weekends? For the love.

I made a few phone calls, and got a hold of two people. One, a dear friend, lives in Arkansas so me crashing on her couch wasn't a reality. She spoke the truth I needed to hear, which was that nothing at this point was beneath me and it was time to get off my a** and make things happen. I've been wallowing in self-pity for awhile in case you didn't know. We prayed together, I cried a lot and she just loved on me. She told me the two most immediate things I needed to do were to find a safe place to lay my head and get a freakin' job. The next phone call was to another friend from our church choir. She and her husband were literally walking out the door. I gave her the Reader's Digest version of what was happening and she said I could come stay for the weekend. They live up in the mountains in the most amazing house you've ever been in. It's called Selah Place, which means to pause and reflect. She asked me if I wanted to go to church on Sunday and then to a picnic. I said no to church, didn't really want to go to the picnic but said yes. We sat out on the porch and talked endlessly and again, she spoke God's truth which I so needed to hear.

Before I left my Mom's house on Saturday I sent out an e-mail to three or four friends from church asking for help. What you have to know is that during my active addiction, I hurt these people immensely. I have avoided my relationships with them out of fear (this is totally my issue and not theirs). I felt bad for sending out this e-mail but didn't know what else to do. I knew I had until today to find a place to sleep. Camping out in my car and peeing on public property is really no way to live. Back to the picnic part...

My friend T and I pull into the park for the picnic and in my heart I'm hating it. She mentions that it was a choir picnic and suddenly I felt better knowing I would see many friends who have stood by my side through more than anyone should ever have to. Truly, within 15-20 minutes a long time friend came up to me and said "So, how would you feel about staying with us AND I have a job I think you would be perfect for." She was one of the people I sent the e-mail to, but again was afraid I'd hurt her too much that her help wasn't an option. This was truly one of those situations I was glad to be so wrong!

I believe with my whole heart that when I prayed to God "Lord, I am willing to anything at this point. Yes, nothing is beneath me and yes, I haven't been focused entirely on you, but please, provide a way." His response was "My beloved child, I have been waiting for you to say that. What I will keep beneath you is a pillow in a house with a christian family. What I will keep beneath you is the strength of my wind to bring you through this storm. What I will keep within you is my never ending love. Wait and see what I have in store, wait and see my love how I will bless you." Never in my 31 years has the Lord provided a way so quickly. He's been so faithful to me time and time again, but I have continued to take it for granted. I think the journey of recovery has helped me so much in just being grateful. I can tell you, my faith has been small as of late and my doubt big.

God, you promised that if my faith was as small as a mustard seed you would move mountains for me. The mountain you just moved seemed insurmountable, impossible, and beyond what I thought you would do. I long to be a light in a dark place, to glorify you, to love you more and give you my best. Thank you for giving me yet another chance to do just that. Help me be the godly woman you desire, one full of gratefulness, full of joy and a countenance that reflects only you. Jesus, you truly are the one and only.

Obrigado dear Lord, obrigado (that's portuguese for gratefulness by the way).