It's been a few weeks since I've written. Much has been going on in my life. I went to a meeting last night and I was the girl sitting in the back of the room with her arms crossed, eyeing the others, ungrateful, and so wanting to be elsewhere. I have to change my clean date. It's taken me awhile to admit this and I've not verbalized it to anyone. I used to be one of the people in the rooms who thought I could stay clean the first time around. I took the suggestions, got a sponsor, started doing the work, went to meetings, but internally I was a raging wildfire fanning the flames with lots of reservations. Reservations you ask? Not if God is real, but does he work? Can this program and these steps really reveal another way to live without drugs? Can I really share my secrets with my sponsor and other women in recovery? Am I really an addict? I didn't work through these reservations, which in the greater picture meant I didn't and would not completely surrender. It took not only hitting the bottom, but the bottom dropping out, that I've come to understand the nature of surrender. I also better understand that the nature of addiction is compelled to rebel against continued recovery.
I've felt like such a failure. A massive disappointment to all in my life, especially my family. My "aha" moment came this weekend when I realized that others are not the barometer of my success. I am on the journey of self-acceptance. I thought about my God, who gave what meant most to him. A man on a cross, arms open to anyone willing to come. One hand reaching back to the past, the other reaching toward the future, with forgiveness, grace and love just for me. To God, I am no disappointment. He reminded me that being human isn't a character defect! And yes, I maybe a failure in the eyes of others, but to my Lord, I am simply his child. Today, that is enough for me.
Never alone, never again.
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteGod accepts us right where we're at. You know this. Focus on what God's doing in your life and I'll continue to pray for you. You aren't a failure. You're doing the best that you can and some days it's better than others.
"Therefore let there be no self-condemnation for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.
Are you comfortable sharing your start date yet? You can email me anytime.
{{{{Hugs to you}}}}
All my love,
Heather
Thank you for your honesty. I know just how hard it can be to share when we fall.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I went in and out of "recovery" for years. Today, I am nearing eleven years drug free. I did a lot of "telling on myself." I just kept it real and kept admitting my mistakes. Keeping secrets kept me stuck. I also had to learn that my life with God was so much more than recovery as defined in the rooms of 12 step meetings. Sin is, well, sin. Many people may be drug/alcohol free, but still wrapped up in other addictions and/or harmful living patterns, trapped in repetitive sin.
Our worth is not based on our "clean time" or any behavior, but on who we are in Christ. Everyday is a new day. Thankfully, God's mercies are fresh every morning. He delights in us. Let go of the shame and walk in His grace. For it was there, wrapped in His love, where I finally found the strength to leave drugs, smoking, destructive relationships, and promiscuity behind so many years ago. Any and all things are possible with God. Keep on keepin' on, sister. God bless you! After all, it was for freedom we were set free.
I'm starting to worry about you. Post or email something so that I know you're okay.
ReplyDeleteI was looking at your beautiful children earlier. You are incredibly blessed, Lisa.