My Manifesto

I was catching up on a friend's blog tonight and came across a post about a Survivor's Manifesto. I read it and then tried to go on about my merry little way. I had to stop what I was doing and come to terms with what I'm experiencing right now. Anger. I'm so angry about so many things. For me, anger is very scary and for the majority of my life, it was never okay to be angry. You see, in our house, it meant that things could turn upside down in the blink of an eye and turmoil in one form or another, always ensued. Often, I use anger now as a buffer, somehow thinking that it will keep people at arms length. In fact, it does, but that's not a good thing. I realized that recently, I've been shutting people out, keeping myself in and stewing. There have been various circumstances as of late that have sent me into a tail spin. Some of those situations warranted anger, many did not. Frankly, I've wanted to scream at other people and say "Why don't you understand me? Is it that hard to identify with what I'm trying to communicate?" Not the best line of defense and generally, no, they don't get what I'm trying to express primarily because my method is, well, just lame. Here are some of the items on that manifesto, adjusted to what I want to say.
1.) Don't judge where I am. You may not know where or how complicated my journey has been.
Even if you've been a part of that journey, don't assume that you know the depths of the impact it has had on me.
2.) Respect the courage it took to survive.
3.) Don't act like my emotions and feelings are flawed.
4.) Don't give glib answers or ideas. I know deep down what I need to do next. Sometimes it takes me time to do the next right thing. Generally, I come around. Let the process run it's course.
5.) Set boundaries with me. Understand that sometimes I don't know what my own boundaries ought to be. Be patient with me and trust that I'll keep striving to learn.
6.) What matters, is not what you intend, but how it feels to me. I'll keep that at the forefront of my mind when I'm with you too.
7.) Just because you don't "get it" doesn't mean I'm wrong.
8.) I'm always questioning my assumptions and working to change/improve my life. With that in mind, please don't act condescending or superior. To patronize me is hurtful adn the most sure fire way to ruin our relationship permanently.
9.) Just because you don't want to believe it could happen to nice people, or in families like yours, in no way does that mean I will stop telling the truth...ever.
10.) I am the expert on who I am and what I need. You may not believe that, or agree with my choices. I might even contradict what you think you know, but there is no way you can have as complete access to who I am and what I've experienced, as I do. The only one with that access is God. Let Him do His job.
11.) Trust that I am doing the best I know how.
12.) What may seem like massive character defects to you may actually be the foundations of strength. Trust that God is working in me.
13.) When I get angry, that usually means that I'm really hurting inside. Instead of continuing to argue with me, ask me what's really bothering me. Be prepared that I will tell you the truth. And by the way, I'm working on presenting my truth in other ways instead of being mad.
14.) I'm much more reflective than you may realize. I'll take a conversation and think about it for weeks afterward. If we get involved in any sort of dealing that includes a great deal of emotion, know that I need space and time to process it all.
15.) I'm very literal. I don't speak cryptically or try to be an enigma. If I say it, I mean it. Take me at my word.
16.) My love language is spending time together. For me to know you care, make time for me. I promise that I'll learn your love language too.
17.) Try not to blindside me. I freak out when that happens. If it's unavoidable, try to understand that a freak out is on the horizon. I'll recover.
18.) If you want to help, believe in me.
19.) If you want to help, pray for me.
20.) If you want to help some more, hug me.

Lord, overflow my heart with your goodness, your joy, and your peace. Let your love reign in me.

p.s. The photo is the japanese symbol for manifesto. Google rocks!