Growing and growing

So, my return to choir wasn't well received by the choir-director. I can't even begin to tell you the emotion that's caused, along with some minor brain damage in thinking about it so much. Bottomline, God's will isn't black and white is it? Maybe it really is time to move on to a different church and begin anew. I think there is too much history there. Anyone in recovery knows and understands that our amend process involves protecting ourselves too. Totally there. I'm digging the self-preservation piece right now.

I'm not a perfect person and this past year I've certainly made my share of mistakes. I've really tried to own my stuff, seek forgiveness when I need to, offer and accept grace on a daily basis and just grow up. There is one relationship in my life particularly that has been unable to move forward. It's very disappointing and terribly hurtful for both of us. It didn't occur to me that perhaps the relationship could never recover. I feel (feel being the foundation of the following sentence) that no matter what I do, this person will always keep my past hanging over me. I've been accused of things that I didn't do and frankly, don't understand where this person's information is coming from. They sure as hell aren't talking to me, which just aggrivates the hell out of me. I've spent enough time being the bad guy. If that's all I'll ever be known as by this person, well then, move the f*ck on. Can you sense my anger? I'm tired of trying to be understood, I'm tired of hoping for this person's forgiveness and trust. By the way, I get that trust is earned. But it can never be restored if there is no opportunity given by the other party to restore it. What is so ambigious to me right now is where do you draw the line? When is enough, enough? This is one of those moments that I wish God used neon signs in my life. I'd really like to see one that flashes brightly and directs me one way or the other! I know Lord, a lot to ask.

I'm starting a Beth Moore bible study this next week and eager to see what God has in store. The past month has been pretty amazing overall. I continually step back and stand in awe at what God has been doing for me. What I love so much, or really have come to appreciate, is that His work hasn't been easy. I finally got off my butt and started living. It's been scary. My good friend (who happens to be my boss) has had to endure me crying a lot! God's blessings are abundant are they not? You know what I would really love? Many of my reader's e-mail me and have positive things to say. They encourage me regularly and pray continually. I would love for you guys to respond to this post via a comment or e-mail me, and share what God is doing in your life. How is He working, how is He showing himself? I think it would be a huge encouragement for us all.

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."
~ Ezekiel 36:26, NLT