Blue Like Jazz

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that, I liked jazz. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way..." Donald Miller Blue Like Jazz

A friend lent me the above book and this is the preface quote from the author. Obviously, it struck a note. I've said before that I've been a christian most of my life but feel as though the journey of faith began 18 months ago. I went to church this weekend. For those who don't know, I have been praying about finding a new church. The wake left behind as a result of my addiction ravaged many relationships within my church family. The pain on all sides has been tremendous. I wanted to leave, start over and begin anew. Deep in my heart, God was saying that leaving, while easy and convenient, was the cowardly thing to do. I told the Lord recently that I would be willing to do whatever He asked - willing to obey even if I didn't want to. I was put to the test. Everyday my devotions have spoken specifically to the issue of redemption, forgiveness, and the commitment to relationships within my life. I knew what God was asking me to do: stay Lisa, stay.

Last year I intended to return to choir. I thought I was ready and sat down with a number of friends explaining my journey of addiction, God's working and my desire to mend those relationships. In retrospect, I wasn't ready. While my apology was sincere, as was my desire to return to the flock, I had a great deal of growing to do. As is usual for me, I took on too much, too fast. Over this past year, the Lord has taught me about sustaining relationships that mean something. I have to be honest, to return to choir meant facing my fear. It meant facing the hurts of others and I wanted to run away. Yesterday morning, I stood in the choir loft amongst my family, worshiped Jesus and have never felt so right about something. It's time. I'm still growing and will be for the remainder of my days. Last year I felt so much shame - not now. I do not believe that our God is a God of shame. I can't begin to tell you the joy I experienced yesterday morning, as I stood there, not to be recognized, not to be seen by others or gain their acceptance. I stood there to show my love for Jesus, to serve Him, and to walk what He has been graciously teaching me.

Obedience is hard isn't it? Here is what I know to be true today. The act of obedience can pull our hearts in many directions, but the end result is that I grow closer to Christ. I learn and love His heart. I see His passion for me, His desire to see me become the woman He destined me to be. I feel like I'm starting to get it. I am willing to experience fear, pain, uncertainty head-on because I know who stands with me...it's not just 250 other people worshiping God, it is the Great I Am himself. How blessed I am to be loved. The magnitude of sacrifice displayed on the cross means something totally different to me today. He died for ME. His blood provided me salvation, provides me with hope. His blood has given me eternity. He has given me everything.