One simple word seems to sum my existence right now - tired. I got pneumonia right after my glorious nose surgery (and no, for the many who have asked I did not get a nose job. In fact, I had a pretty perfect nose to say the least. I can't say if it will be the same ever again, just wiping it bring tears to my eyes), and it has made a comeback in the past few days. While it's not serious by any means, my body is simply worn out. I made it to about 8:30 last night and was in bed before CSI was on. Another reason I praise God for On Demand. The marvels of modern technology!
Anyway, my tired state in part is due to the emotional roller-coaster I've been living on. My Mom has put her house on the market and her immanent departure back to Seattle is on the compass. Admittedly, I am scared that indeed she will return to Washington. While my Mom and I have had our issues, she's my Mom and her leaving would put me in Colorado alone. I can barely go there - this is a big issue that also involves Garrett, so my heartstrings have been pulled and my hands are in the air. While a relatively familiar position, it remains uncomfortable. It seems that often I'd rather be carrying an arm full of stones, than wait on God. Like I mentioned the other day, waiting appears to be exactly where He desires for me to be. It feels like I've taken my hands off the steering wheel (which anyone knowing me would say that's a good thing) and I'm going mach-90 with my hair on fire. While it may be amusing for some to watch, to me I feel like I'm living on the brink, so to speak.
My brother is safe, praise God, but he is clearly not okay. I am sad about this, as over the past several years, it seems that I'm the only one able to reach parts of his heart. Even then, I have sensed there a large territory that only God can navigate. I feel helpless and wish more than I can describe, that I could shoulder the burden. By every account, my brother is my very best friend and understands parts of me that no other has been able to. I believe, well I know, this is mutual. Perhaps it's because we're siblings, raised in the same house under the same rules, or because our demons are not that different. All in all, I think it's the sum total of all things and that comprehension brings with it relation that few are in the company of. I'm relieved he is safe, but the torment of his emotions is obvious to me and to watch that ship get tossed about on the high seas is almost unbearable. Is this Christ giving me a watchful eye on what has been His portion over the years and His torment in watching me toss about? I remember years ago being taught a lesson about navigating on moonless seas (thank you Elisabeth Elliot and her incredible perception). Some days the compass works, we feel one with our creator and all is in harmony. Other days, the sea's are moonless, the way dark, and we feel alone. No matter the condition, God remains by our side and even in the darkness, we are never alone. Sometime, I think, He breaks our compass so we turn to face the wind, arms raised in the air, so that the Great Navigator can take hold of the wheel, right our direction and bring us out of the White Squall. Praise life in the dinghy.
Well, life beckons and the microwave just beeped for a gourmet meal. Until my compass turns, I remain watchful of the horizon and hopeful that not all is lost.
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