Why I Get Angry

Wow, life has been happening fast. I feel heavy-hearted tonight for a lot of reasons. My brother went back out this weekend and showed up today. I feel sad for him, and even a bit of anger, however, I know the darkness well that pulls him. Sometimes looking at him is like looking in a mirror. Got to love that.

I'm in the midst of the process of military acceptance. We have a few medical things to clear up. If those are accepted, then I'm in. Holy buckets. I think it's a really good thing on so many levels. It will be hard. I am frustrated by how long the process takes. I'd rather be done with it and know one way for certain. God is keeping me waiting really. Waiting on Him. I'm not very good with that. I wish I could say that patience was my strong suit. Yeah, not happening.

I read a really interesting part of the book I mentioned earlier Blue Like Jazz. "Why I get angry when I go to church. It doesn't do any good to bash churches, so I am not making blanket statements against the church as a whole. I have only been involved in a few churches, but I had the same tension with each of them; that's the only reason I bring it up. Here are the things I didn't like about churches I went to. First: I felt like people were trying to sell me Jesus. I was a salesman for a while, and we were taught that you are supposed to point out all the benefits of a product when you are selling it. That is how I felt about some of the preachers I heard speak. They were always pointing out the benefits of Christian faith. That rubbed me wrong. It's not that there aren't benefits, there are, but did they have to talk about spirituality like it's a vacuum cleaner? I never felt like Jesus was a product. I wanted Him to be a person. Not only that, but they were always pointing out how great the specific church was. The bulletin read like a brochure for Amway. There always saying how life-changing some conference was going to be. Life-changing? What does that mean? It sounded very suspicious. I wish they would just tell it to me straight rather than trying to sell me on everything. I felt like I was bombarded with commercials all week and then went to church on Sunday and got even more. And yet another thing about the churches I went to: They seemed to be parrots for the Republican Party. Do we have to tow the party line on every single issue? Are the Republicans that perfect? I felt like, in order to be part of the family, I had to think George W. Bush was Jesus. And I didn't. I didn't think that Jesus really agreed with a lot of the policies of the Republican Party or for that matter the Democratic Party. I felt like Jesus was a religious figure, not a political figure. I heard my pastor say once, when there were only a few of us standing around, that hated Bill Clinton. I can understand not liking Clinton's policies, but I want my spirituality to rid me of hate, not give me more reason for it. I couldn't deal with that. That is the main reason I walked away. I felt like, by going to this particular church, I was a pawn for the Republicans. Meanwhile, the Republicans did not give a crap about the causes of Christ....The truth is we are supposed to LOVE the hippies, the liberals, and even the democrats, and that God wants us to think of them as more important than ourselves. Anything short of this is not true to the teachings of the gospels." The author goes and and at the end of the chapter I sighed in relief. Not relief that the reading was over, but that another human being put into words my exact feelings. This author speaks to the truth and power of the gospels and how by-in-large we as Christians just don't get it. He challenged himself to do what the gospels say: feed the hungry, shelter those without homes and befriend on a sincere level, those that society finds less-lovable. How this simple practice changed his life. I have to admit, I want to do the same thing. The issue for me is that while I have passion for Christ (he likens passion to pouring gasoline in a tank for a car with no wheels...it's belief in action that makes changes), if I were totally honest everyday I act like I am the most important person in the universe. I live out my true beliefs. Whooooo. Praise God that He changes us and Praise God that I finally found the sense to ask for the right kinds of changes.

Anyway, that's my bit for today. I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I got pneumonia right after the nose surgery and think it has not entirely resolved. I am so exhausted and my chest feels like someone is crushing it. Comfy.
Blessings to all!