Conflicted

To say I've been remiss in writing is a bit of an understatement. Yes, life has been happening (much to my dismay most days), mixed with a little drama and a whole lot of change. The result, blogging has been low on the priority list. In part, much of what has been happening in my head and heart has been too much to verbalize in any sort of manner that would not only make sense, but even be relateable to those of you who faithfully read this blog.

I was resentful for a period of time over some circumstances, but now am coming out the other side, able to own my part and deflect the crap of others for them to deal with on their own. Deflecting has been a big problem for me. Perhaps it's this crazy idea that not only do I have to be right, I have to make my truth heard by everyone within earshot. Without getting into major specifics (breaching the confidentiality of others), I found myself without a job and the place I was staying at turned out to be not entirely the best for all of us. For those of you who don't know, I did have to have surgery mid-September and my jackass doctor thought putting me on major meds was a good idea. My part - I didn't say no and "what have you been smoking that makes you think I should EVER take the particular medication that has led me down the path of self destruction?" Instead, I filled the prescription but did give it to someone else to dispense to me. I was accused of abusing them, which I did not, but recognize that my head was in total active addiction. Being a perfectionist on all fronts, I was devastated. What I realize in hindsight is that I was incredibly depressed prior to this and instead of seeing that and taking action, I did what is natural to me - I isolated and hid out wherever I could. The cost was huge. Last week I had to really feel my emotions, justified or not, and let them be what they were. It was hard and Kleenex made a lot of money off me! I feel so much more motivated today to change some BIG things in my life and even am starting to feel gratitude for the events of the past 8 weeks. Never thought that would come out of my mouth. And as an FYI, I'm not taking meds now. I came off of them and realize that I can never go down that path again, surgery or not.

God has been ever faithful, and a long-time friend is letting me crash at her place. She's one of those friends that you can not talk to for weeks at a time, yet when you get together you pick up right where you left off. She is also the least judgemental person I've ever known and she just takes me where I'm at. The other great thing about her is that she has boundaries and sticks to them. I don't feel enabled in anyway, and in fact have some discomfort (not related to my relationship to her, but really the circumstances I now find myself in), which I've decided for me is a fantastic motivator. Amazing how God works, and His workings are specific to each of us. Anyway, I feel blessed that she is so willing to help. I also feel blessed to have spent a few days just hanging out with a good friend. What I really love about our relationship is that I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, or the good christian, or whatever. I'm just Lisa and that's good enough. Yes, the spiritual parallel behind that is massive and I get it.

I'm looking at a really big decision for my life right now. I've toyed with an idea for several months, but the change would be crazy bordering on upside down, but the benefit is that it provides long-term stability, amongst other things. I can be a disciplined person and can be submissive, but it's been a long time since I've had to be that way. This choice would force me in a short period of time to be both. One of my concerns is that it would involve moving from place to place (if you haven't figured this out I'm thinking of joining the military) and that would uproot Garrett. How do I manage being a single parent with a child who has special needs and advance career-wise? I've talked with my Mom about it and she actually supports the idea. Initially, Garrett would remain with her until I was settled and knew what was coming. And she expressed that if I had to go overseas, of course she would take care of him. That's a relief. I think what scares me most is the initial part of joining the military...getting up at the crack of dawn, 3 minutes to shower, and really being in great physical shape. I'm a fairly athletic person, but honestly, I've sat on my butt for awhile now! I imagine I would need a few weeks before basic training to get my body back into the swing of the physical demands I know will be required. I feel a bit confused. The unemployment rate in Colorado is high and finding a job is difficult. In the short-term I could wait tables or work at Starbucks, and look for a "real" job in the meantime. But even in a few months, where does that put me? Renting a room from someone, not being able to provide for Garrett the way I think he should be provided for, yet still steps ahead of where I am now. Does this make any sense to anyone? If you're reading this and have thoughts, please give me feedback.

I'm really trying to be the woman I know God wants me to be. I've also realized that mistakes are a part of the process. If I live in them, I become paralyzed and change doesn't happen. When I see the part of Lisa that is exactly what God desires, I feel exhilarated, excited that His work is shining through me. I've gotten over if others see it or not. I was enslaved to that way of thinking for 30 years. It mattered beyond measure what others thought of me...do they like me, am I good enough, would someone love me just because? It feels like I've shed that unhealthy mindset and now am working on the self-acceptance piece and really don't give a rip of you like me or not. What matters is that God is pleased with my heart and actions and that I can love who I am (with all my character defects included). It's pretty liberating to say the least.

I could keep writing, but Garrett is home sick today and asking me for a snack. Motherhood beckons and snuggle time is around the corner. Can I just say that having my son tell me how much he loves me, that I'm the best Mom and his best friend is the best balm for my hurts? Sometimes I feel like his love is God tangibly showing me the spiritual love He has for me. Too cool.